[Uncle Snake]

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
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A celebrity is a person who is well known for his well-knownness.
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A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
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A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
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A.A.A.A.A.:
An organization for drunks who drive
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After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
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America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
-- John O'Hara
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America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
changed its name to "America".
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
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"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
--- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
computer system.
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Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian proverb
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Cold, adj.:
When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
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College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
-- H. L. Mencken
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Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
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Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
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Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
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f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
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Frisbeetarianism, n.:
The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
gets stuck.
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Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
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"...Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed."
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Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
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Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
out.
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Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
-- W. C. Fields
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How come wrong numbers are never busy?
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I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it.
-- Clarence Darrow
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I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's
a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
-- Gallagher
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"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
garage door."
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that shows you tried.
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If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
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If God had meant for us to use the metric system, we would have been
born with ten fingers and ten toes.
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If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
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"In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
make it better."
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It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- R. Serling
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It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
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It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
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It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
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Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
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Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets.
-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
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Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
and parking for the faculty.
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Lactomangulation, n.:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
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Lie, n.:
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
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Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-- Alan McKay
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Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz
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More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-- Woody Allen
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Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
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Mythology, n.:
The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
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Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
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Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
love.
-- Charlie Brown
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"Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
fake?"
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Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
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Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker
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Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
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Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
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Rule of Creative Research:
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
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Rules for driving in New York:
1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
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Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
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Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
-- M. C. Reed.
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Snacktrek, n.:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
materialized.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
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Someone will try to honk your nose today.
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Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
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The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
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The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
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The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and
to steal bread.
-- Anatole France
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.
-- Woody Allen
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The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw
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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense.
-- E. W. Dijkstra
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Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

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VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
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Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
-- John F. Kennedy
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Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
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When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
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I'd LOVE to, but I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
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You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
-- Steven Feiner
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"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
-- Dagwood Bumstead
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You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
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You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
if they are dead.
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You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
to worry.
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Genghis Khan conquered Asia with an army only half the size of New York
City's civil service.
-- Emmanuel Savas
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Rush Hour, n.:
that hour when traffic is almost at a standstill.
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Dr. Lincoln Ralphs says that as a very young child he thought the world
was flat. When he went to school he was told it was round. Later he
was told it was spherical. In upper grades he was told it was an oblate
spheroid. He got close to the truth at the university, where he learned
it was a geoid. He looked this word up in his Greek dictionary and
found that it means "earth shaped."
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The Secret of Success
(1) Get a job.
(2) Get a better job.
(3) Get an even better job.
Repeat if necessary.
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Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
-- sign in a Leipzig elevator
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To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving
is then going alphabetically by national order.
-- sign in a Belgrade hotel elevator
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Please leave your values at the front desk.
-- sign in a Paris hotel elevator
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You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
-- sign in a lobby of a Moscow hotel
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Not to parambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
-- sign in a Austrian hotel catering to skiers

Our wines leave nothing to hope for.
-- menu of a Swiss restaurant
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Drop your trousers here for best results.
-- sign in a Bangkok dry cleaner's

Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation.
-- sign in a Rhodes tailor shop
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Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.
-- advertisement for a Hong Kong dentist
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Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
-- sign in a Rome laundry
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We take your bags and send them in all directions.
-- sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office
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Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
-- sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge
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Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to
the guard on duty.
-- sign in a Budapest zoo
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Specialist in women and other diseases.
-- sign in the office of a Roman doctor
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The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
-- sign in a Acapulco hotel
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When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor.
-- brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
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The word "impossible" is not in my dictionary. In fact, everything between
"herring" and "marmalade" appears to be missing.
-- Dirk Gently, "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency"
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Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
-- Sigmund Freud
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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
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With features like this, who needs bugs?
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A millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch a single ship.
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"This book fills a well needed gap in the literature."
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"Any theorem in Analysis can be fitted onto an arbitrarily small piece of
paper if you are sufficiently obscure."
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"The object of this lecture is to frighten half of you away."
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Machine-independent program, n.:
A program that will not run on any machine.
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If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're put together backwards.
-- Steve Martin
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"This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly; it should be thrown
with great force."
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"WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity."
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"PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe."
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People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
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The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting
than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
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X.400 is the mail system of the future, and I hope it stays that way.
-- Erik E. Fair
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BOEING: Bits Of Engine In Numerous Gardens
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Poland has experienced a tremendous amount of history due to the fact that
it has no natural defensible borders, which makes it very easy to conquer.
Many times the other nations didn't even mean to invade Poland; one night
they'd simply forget to set the parking brakes on their tanks, and they'd
wake up the next morning to discover that, whoosh, they had conquered Poland.
-- Dave Barry
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The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.
-- Tacitus
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You may force a few facts into a child's mind by various kinds of compulsion,
but you cannot make him learn anything. Because the facts are not acquired
naturally, they destroy the natural impulse of the mind toward the acquisition
of knowledge. By the time the child leaves school or college, he not only
knows nothing but is, in the majority of cases, no longer capable of learning.
-- William H. Bates
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FORTH LOVE IF HONK THEN
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Mistakes were made.
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It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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There's a bug somewhere in your code.
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HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
-- E. E. CUMMINGS
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The clothes have no emperor.
-- C. A. Hoare, on Ada
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Emacs is fine until I have to edit.
-- Andrea Dougherty
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You realize she's talking about our hamburgers here.
-- Anonymous sixth grader during talk by animal
rights activist; Newsweek, May 23, 1988
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Oh yeah, laugh now! But when the millions start pouring in, I'll be the one
at Burger King, sucking down Whoppers at my own private table!
-- Al Bundy
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I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple
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Kids today don't get Meaningful Social Lessons, the kind we got from
shows about cowboys and Indians. These shows taught us that not all
Indians were savage killers. For example, Tonto was a good Indian.
As I recall, all the others were savage killers.
-- Dave Barry
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Computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that
soon they will be able to talk to us. (By "they" I mean "computers":
I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)
-- Dave Barry
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Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-- Aldous Huxley
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There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white
man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.
-- Mark Twain
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If television encouraged us to work as much as it encourages us to do
everything else, we could better afford to buy more of everything it
advertises.
-- Cullen Hightower
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The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless,
a passion for gambling is common, though a passion for keeping roulette
tables is unknown.
-- George Bernard Shaw
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The worst thing about buying a mathematician's product is tearing off
the 100-page proof-of-purchase.
-- Doug Chatham
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He's probably just a brain in a vat.
-- Steve Webster, of Richard Stallman
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The only thing open about the OSF is their mouth.
-- Chuck Musciano
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One day I came home and everything in my house had been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate, "Can you
believe this? Everything's been stolen and replaced with an exact
replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
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Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They
said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old."
I said, "I'll wait."
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
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Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble, as they are both
easy to beat and fun to cheat.
-- Fran Lebowitz
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"Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to
collect a student loan or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now.
If you are selling any product or service, please press 2 and hang up now.
Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional."
%%
We do not know what is natural. We only know what is customary.
-- C. G. Jung
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Jean-Paul Sartre's Tuna Casserole. Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish.
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven
and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night
falls, do not turn on the light.
%%
June 14: Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the local school
district for teaching their children the alphabet, which can be used
to form dirty words.
-- Dave Barry
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I'm always right and everybody else is always wrong! What's to argue about?
-- Calvin
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I will not waste chalk
I will not waste chalk
I will not waste chalk
I will not waste chalk
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I will not yell `She's Dead' during roll call
I will not yell `She's Dead' during roll call
I will not yell `She's Dead' during roll call
I will not yell `She's Dead' during roll call
%%
Spitwads are not free speech
Spitwads are not free speech
Spitwads are not free speech
Spitwads are not free speech
%%
The pledge of allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan"
The pledge of allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan"
The pledge of allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan"
The pledge of allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan"
%%
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time
reading it.
-- Moses Hadas