[Crash Dummy Denno]

NESR’s Behind the Posts Presents: ChrisNoF4i

Over drinks one night while everyone was out posing, the topic of ChrisNoF4i's posts came up in conversation between Daytrader and I... and we both agreed - he's the cats pajamas. We wanted to get to know the man behind the posts, the man we know as ChrisNoF4i on NESR. While we know him as ChrisNoF4i, his real name strangely enough is Chris. His posts, filled with wit and sarcasm, have delighted NESRians for years. It was time we recognized him for some of his amazing achievements and what has brought him here today. We felt it right that we start with his history and we would work later to highlight who he is and some of his best posts and threads. Cheers to you ChrisNoF4i!

We've worked tirelessly on this project and spent several million dollars to bring this to you. We hope you enjoy,

Denno and Naked Daytrader


AT A YOUNG AGE CHRIS TOOK TO THE COMPUTER LIKE A FISH TO WATER. HERE YOU'LL SEE A RARE PHOTO OF CHRIS POSTING ON THE BABIES.COM MESSAGE BOARD.


WHILE IN THE FIRST GRADE, CHRIS REALIZED HE COULD SHOW OTHERS THE WONDER OF MESSAGE BOARDS. CHRIS SHOWN HERE WITH THEN GIRLFRIEND MARGARET, ON THE DODGEBALL.COM MESSAGE BOARD.


BY THE 5TH GRADE CHRIS HAD CREATED HIS FIRST "MESSAGE BOARD TEAM". IT WAS ALWAYS HIS GOAL TO GET OTHERS ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN INTRAWEB POSTING. CHRIS SHOWN HERE TEACHING OTHER STUDENTS HOW TO POST AN OBSCURE REFERENCE FROM THE MOVIE "BILLY MADDISON".

BY THE 8TH GRADE CHRIS HAD VISITED SEVERAL COUNTRIES ON A SELF TITLED "GOODWILL AMBASSADOR" TOUR. AT THIS POINT IN CHRIS' LIFE HE HAD BECOME ALMOST OBSESSED WITH TEACHING OTHERS INTRAWEB MESSAGE BOARD POSTING. THIS FACT HITS HOME AND IS CLEARLY EVIDENT IN THE PHOTO BELOW; CHRIS, SHOWN HERE, 1 DAY BACK FROM HIS TRIP TO AFRICA, SEVERELY SUNBURNED AND AGAINST HIS DOCTORS ADVICE, TEACHING OTHERS IN THE SCHOOL YARD.




CHRIS SHOWN HERE FRESH OFF HIS 10TH GRADE MESSAGE BOARD POSTING CONTEST WIN.



BY HIS FRESHMEN YEAR IN COLLEGE CHRIS FOUND LOVE IN ABIGALL, HIS COLLEGE SWEETHEART, AFTER INTERACTING ON THE MATCH.COM MESSAGE BOARD. CHRIS AND ABIGALL SHOWN HERE ON THEIR FIRST DATE , WHERE OF COURSE, THEY HUNG OUT ON THE MATCH.COM MESSAGE BOARD.





UNFORTUNETLEY, ABIGALL DIED IN A HORRIBLE COMPUTER ACCIDENT. CHRIS, ALWAYS DEDICATED, WAS BACK ON THE INTRAWEB TEACHING OTHERS. SHOWN HERE THE DAY AFTER ABIGALLS ACCIDENT. THE PAIN AND ANGUISH IS CLEARLY SHOWN ON CHRIS' FACE.

One afternoon we had a chance to sit down with Chris at his home in Florida. What a dump! While Chris is quite a character, he lacks a bit in the social department… nevertheless we carried on with an in depth interview of what makes Chris tick.

1.What is your favorite word? (omgnottheNword!).
2. What is your least favorite word? Gravitas.
3. What turns you on?
Crazy chicks… getting crazy.
4. What turns you off?
Lesbians. I don’t trust a girl that doesn’t love the cock.
5. What sound do you love?
The dude that plays the drums on a bucket. Simple, yet musical.
6. What sound do you hate?
A queefe. It’s just unnatural.
7. What is your favorite curse word?
Cunt. I just like how it rolls off the tongue.
8. What’s your job and what profession other than yours would you like to attempt?I’m an accountant. An auditor guy, like you see in the movies. I’d like to be an entrepreneur or a venture capitalist, but I lack the funding.
9. What profession would you not like to do?Any job in the mall. I can’t stand big crowds of fat people.
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
I’m hoping he’ll let me go back to Earth and fuck with people for at least a week.
11. What brings you to NESR?
I came to NESR many moons ago because someone emailed me a link to a drunkathon thread with the mention that at the last drunkathon, some hot chick was showing off her derriere. When I removed myself from New England, I just couldn’t remove myself from New England Street Riders. I go through cycles (get it?) of posting and not posting depending on my work schedule. I don’t know what keeps bringing me back. They must put something in the water.
12. Do you own a motorcycle?
It’s not a motorcycle. It’s a chopper, baby. I don’t ride much because I have nobody to ride with. I’m a loner. I’ve been toying with the idea of picking up another 50, because chicks dig a guy on a bike built for an 8 year old.
13. What do you think separates a typical post from a great post? Is there a secret?
A great post has the perfect blend of sarcasm, hatred and fuck-youness. There is no one secret. Beer helps a little; vodka helps a lot. I also draw upon real-life experience and the fact that I am superior to most everyone else.
14. At what age did you realize you had a unique talent for posting on message boards?
It’s difficult to pinpoint the exact time in my life since I grew up with the internets. The talent has always been there, but I credit the internets with providing the appropriate audience.
15. How do you feel about vanilla ice cream?I think he was a pioneer. I like white people that aren’t afraid to rap. As a youngster, I dreamed of owning a ragtop mustang 5.0 just like him. Now I hear he beat up his wife. Kudos, Mr. Van Winkle.
Hmm… that’s not quite what we were going for but ok….
16. Were your parents supportive in your quest for message board posting greatness?
My folks have always supported everything I did, but they are not the most technology savvy people. They think I invented the internets.
17. What are some of your favorite message boards from around the world?
I started as a member at SBN, but Fred closed the site, stole my money and my post count, so fuck him. I was an active member of Stuntlife for some time when the cool kids were stunting. ODFU was fun for like a day. The Florida biker forums are filled with retarded gorillas. NESR is really the only message board with staying power. Other boards just come and go. I used to be a member of a few private elite forums that have since closed up shop as the administrators got older and grew up. I guess I’m like the Peter Pan of message boards in that I refuse to grow up.
18. Does it bother you when regular people use NESR as just another informative motorcycle forum when you and I both know there's so much more involved and a much greater force at work?
It used to bother me, but I think I’m past that now. I am at the point in my life where I can look down upon Joe Regular from afar and just laugh. Some people got it, some get it, and some never will.
19. Do you have any other hobbies?
I really like bocce. It’s kind of a dead sport, but I still partake any chance I get. I feel it is my duty to carry forward the Italian tradition to future generations. (Although bocce was invented by the Greeks, it was perfected by the Italians.) Any game where you never have to put down your beer has got to be good, right?
20. And the all elusive and most asked question that everyone has been waiting for, what happened to your F4i? Like many a New England sportbike, it ended up at Argo’s in a crumpled heap. I always fancied riding the coastal roads into the wee hours of the night. Something about the twists and turns combined with the cool sea air really made me happy in the pants. But the ocean giveth, and she taketh. One evening, shortly after midnight, on a tight right-hander, the sea took my bike from underneath me and bounced it off a curb and into a stone wall.
Thank you chris, where's the shitter?

We would like to finish off with some of our favorite posts from Chris… Feel free to add some comments of your own or some of your favorite posts! Think of it as a messageboard for a dead guy, only he's only dead on the inside...

Daytrader and I proudly present some of our top ChrisNoF4i posts of all time:

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

I still can't get over the fact that you wanted your screen name to be 'ducatiboy'. That's straight comedy.

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

I'm sorry to hear about your fake crash. Get well soon.

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

We should totally have a dream workshop so we can like understand our dreams better and stuff.

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

It takes a little more than living in Maine to be considered a Maineiac

1. maineiac: A native-born resident of the State of Maine.

Maineiacs live in Maine and were born in Maine, preferably of Maineiac parents. There is an old saying, "If a cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call them biscuits."

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

Now, I fancy myself an historian, but I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

You must be pretty broken up about it. I rememer one time I missed 3 straight weeks of Bingo. Ethel and the gals never let me hear the end of it.

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

Some people actually do give a fuck.

You see, ManchVegas (also Manch-Vegas) is a local nickname for Manchester, New Hampshire. The term is a portmanteau of Manchester and Las Vegas. "ManchVegas" was derived from illegal gambling in local businesses during the late 1980s or early '90s. Many pizza shops and local bars had video poker machines that would pay out real money. The nickname was coined following a city-wide bust of these machines. It was then adopted as a lampoon of the city's limited entertainment opportunities. Recently the term has become a source of pride as the city's entertainment scene has grown.

A 2003 note on Virtualtourist.com notes, "Residents reflect the regional dry humor by referring to sedate Manchester as 'ManchVegas'."

An article in Manchester's Hippo Press (a local alternative weekly) in August, 2005, noted that then-Manchester Mayor Robert A. Baines, "is pushing to replace the nickname ManchVegas with Manchhatten" (meaning Manchester+Manhattan).

Other, much less commonly used, nicknames are "ManchAngeles" (Manchester+Los Angeles), students at Manchester Central High School started using the term Manchvegistan (referencing the city's immigrant population). Central is known for having the most diverse student body in the state of New Hampshire.

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

Carl.


Good to see you!

Did the penguin tell you to come here?

Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i

I respectfully deny your request.

Furthermore, please eat a bag of dicks.