(1) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"

* Marilyn Pittman


(2) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."

* Steven Seagal


(3) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

* Jeff Foxworthy


(4) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."

* Robin Williams


(5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."

* Dave Barry


(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

* Bob Ettinger


(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim."

* Paula Poundstone


(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"duh."

* Conan O'Brien


(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow
learner."

* Lynda Montgomery


(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out
with a riding vacuum cleaner."

* Roseanne


(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

* Richard Jeni


(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."

* Johnny Carson


(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

* Paul Rodriguez


(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,
and that's the law."

* Jerry Seinfeld


(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?"

* Warren Hutcherson


(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."

* Oscar Wilde


(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet."

* Mae West


(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member
of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."

* Mark Twain


(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait."

* A. Whitney Brown


(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."

* Robin Williams


(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month that I can be myself."

* Roseanne


(22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'"

* Dave Barry


(23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

* George Carlin


(24) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully
in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."

* Author Unknown


(25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children"


(26) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

* Drew Carey