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hey oreo!

  1. #1
    ultrabuddy twrayinma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002

    hey oreo!

    fuck off!

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.

  2. #2
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!


    Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end,
    online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in
    the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it

    Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is
    concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics
    Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of
    recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and
    counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope
    with your problem.

    We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme
    cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you
    are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

    We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an
    addict. Do you:
    1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
    2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
    3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
    4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
    5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only
    to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll
    never do business with anyway?
    6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal
    preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
    7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
    8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd
    usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
    9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
    10) All of the above?

    If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10),
    you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics
    Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOW.

    We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step
    to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

    Call us today.
    If you can sign off to free up your phone line, that is.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  3. #3
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!


    1. Pull any woman in the room.
    2. Beat any man in the room in a fight.
    3. Do the Lambada.
    4. Have a coherent, in depth discussion about politics, the trouble
    with women, the England football manager, etc...
    5. Stop dual carriageway traffice just by holding your hand up.
    6. Persuade 24 hour shop owners to sell you alcohol after 11pm.
    7. Evade apprehension by officers of the law.
    8. Fall down three flights of stairs without hurting yourself.
    9. Do an impression of Riverdance on a narrow window ledge five
    stories above the street.
    10. Find your house.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  4. #4
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Confucius Say:

    "Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

    "Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

    "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

    "Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."

    "Man with one chopstick go hungry."

    "Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."

    "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

    Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

    "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

    "Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"

    "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

    "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

    "Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

    "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

    "If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

    "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

    "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

    "Man who sit on tack get point!"

    "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

    "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."

    "Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand."

    "People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  5. #5
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Maybe it's not my place, but I think urinals should be done away with. Most every guy has used one at some point, and they are aware that what you are doing, in effect, is peeing on a wall. Now, admittedly, peeing on walls is fun, but the urinal really ruins the experience. First of all, it's very difficult to use a magic marker to record you highest ever pee on a porcelain object. Usually it just rinses off, or someone catches you and asks you to remove it. Few jobs are quite as degrading as that. Secondly,
    there's always this mental block seemingly forcing you to pee on the little pink air freshners as dutifully as you would if the fate of the free world depended on it. Every ounce that misses leaves you feeling bitter and depressed. Because when you can't pee on a little pink hockey puck, you're pretty worthless. Finally, the greatest degradation of all comes when the urinal is too low. You'll find yourself squatting, barely balanced, just to align your zipper and the drain. Then the force of the pee usually knocks you off balance until you desperately clutch onto the sides of the urinal while you pee willy-nilly. These are all quite traumatizing events, and the sooner we get rid of these porcelain abominations, the better.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  6. #6
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Your addicted to the internet when....

    1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
    2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
    moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
    3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
    4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
    5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
    like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
    6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
    7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
    see a new WWW site address on TV.
    8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
    hear if new e-mail arrives.
    9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
    of what she looks like.
    10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
    11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links,
    you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    12.) Your dog has its own home page.
    13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
    14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you
    check it again.
    15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
    16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
    because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
    19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
    check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
    "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
    21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with
    Netscape 3.0 or higher."
    24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
    ISP... because you never log off.
    25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
    26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
    chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
    27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
    so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so
    the two of you can chat.
    28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
    road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  7. #7
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Here are several of the things that Bart Simpson has had to write on the chalk board at the beginning of different episodes. Enjoy...

    I will not waste chalk
    I will not skateboard in the halls
    I will not burp in class
    I will not instigate revolution
    I will not draw naked ladies in class
    I did not see Elvis
    I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
    Garlic gum is not funny
    They are laughing at me, not with me
    I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
    I will not encourage others to fly
    I will not fake my way through life
    Tar is not a plaything
    I will not Xerox my butt
    I will not trade pants with others
    I will not do that thing with my tongue
    I will not drive the principal's car
    I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
    I will not sell school property
    I will not cut corners
    " " " " "
    " " " " "
    I will not get very far with this attitude
    I will not make flatulent noises in class
    I will not belch the National Anthem
    I will not sell land in Florida
    I will not grease the monkey bars
    I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
    I will not do anything bad ever again
    I will not sleep through my education
    I am not a dentist
    Spit wads are not free speech
    Nobody likes sunburn slappers
    High explosives and school don't mix
    I will not bribe Principal Skinner
    I will finish what I sta
    Hamsters cannot fly
    Underwear should be worn on the inside
    The Christmas pageant does not stink
    I will not torment the emotionally frail
    I will not carve gods
    I will not spank others
    I will not aim for the head
    I will not barf unless I'm sick
    I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
    I saw nothing unusual in the teachers' lounge
    I will not conduct my own fire drills
    Funny noises are not funny
    I will not snap bras
    I will not fake seizures
    This punishment is not boring and meaningless
    My name is not Dr. Death
    I will not defame New Orleans
    I will not prescribe medication
    I will not bury the new kid
    I will not teach others to fly
    I will not bring sheep to class
    A burp is not an answer
    Teacher is not a leper
    I will not eat things for money
    I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
    The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
    I will not squeak chalk
    Goldfish don't bounce
    Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
    I will not carve gods.
    I will not spank others.
    I will not aim for the head.
    I will not barf unless I'm sick
    I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
    I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
    I will not conduct my own fire drills.
    Funny noises are not funny.
    I will not snap bras.
    I will not fake seizures.
    This punishment is not boring and pointless.
    My name is not Dr. Death.
    I will not defame New Orleans.
    I will not prescribe medication.
    I will not bury the new kid.
    I will not teach others to fly.
    I will not bring sheep to class.
    A burp is not an answer.
    Teacher is not a leper.
    Coffee is not for kids.
    I will not eat things for money.
    I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.*
    The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
    I will not call the principal "spud head".
    Goldfish don't bounce.
    Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
    No one is interested in my underpants.
    I will not sell miracle cures.
    I will return the seeing-eye dog.
    I do not have diplomatic immunity.
    I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
    I will never win an emmy.
    The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
    All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.*
    I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
    I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
    My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.*
    I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
    I am not deliciously saucy.
    Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
    The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
    I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
    There are plenty of businesses like show business.
    Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.*
    I will not waste chalk.*
    I will not skateboard in the halls.
    I will not instigate revolution.
    I will not draw naked ladies in class.
    I did not see Elvis.
    I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
    Garlic gum is not funny.
    They are laughing at me, not with me.*
    I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
    I will not encourage others to fly.
    I will not fake my way through life.
    Tar is not a plaything.
    I will not Xerox my butt.
    It's potato, not potatoe.*
    I will not trade pants with others.
    I am not a 32 year old woman.
    I will not do that thing with my tongue.
    I will not drive the principal's car.
    I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
    I will not sell school property.
    I will not burp in class.
    I will not cut corners.
    I will not get very far with this attitude.
    I will not belch the National Anthem.
    I will not sell land in Florida.
    I will not grease the monkey bars.*
    I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
    I will not do anything bad ever again.
    I will not show off.
    I will not sleep through my education.
    I am not a dentist.
    Spitwads are not free speech.
    Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
    High explosives and school don't mix.
    I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
    I will not squeak chalk.
    I will finish what I sta
    "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
    Underwear should be worn on the inside.*
    The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
    I will not torment the emotionally frail.*

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  8. #8
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Why are there interstate
    highways in Hawaii?

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  9. #9
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    10 Reasons NOT to Work

    10. They can't garnish what you don't make.

    9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert

    8. Chance to meet exotic female dancers in unemployment line
    (and do the Full Monty).

    7. Sleep all night . . . Sleep all day!

    6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!

    5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote won't cry
    sexual harassment.

    4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your
    "Professional Attire".

    3. Reruns of Chips only shown during regular working hours.

    2. It really pisses off the in-laws.

    1. The only glass ceiling is the mirror over your bed!

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  10. #10
    ultrabuddy twrayinma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002

    hey oreo!

    Originally posted by oreo_n2
    Why are there interstate
    highways in Hawaii?
    i actually know this one!
    to get federal money!

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.

  11. #11
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    9 Irritations in Life

    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f- is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." F-ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the f- would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

    5. When people say while watching a film "did you paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the f-ing floor.

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

    7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

    8. When people say "life is short." What the f-?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f-ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  12. #12
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    100 Fun Ways to Order Pizzza

    1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

    2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

    3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

    4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

    5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

    6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

    7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

    8. Answer their questions with questions.

    9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

    10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

    11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

    12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

    13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

    14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

    15. Stutter on the letter "p."

    16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

    17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

    18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

    19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

    20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

    21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

    22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

    23. Change your accent every three seconds.

    24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

    25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

    26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

    27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

    28. Rent a pizza.

    29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

    30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

    31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

    32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

    33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

    34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

    35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

    36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

    37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

    38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

    39. Play a sitar in the background.

    40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

    41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

    42. Ask to see a menu.

    43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

    44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

    45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

    46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

    47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

    48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

    49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

    50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

    51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

    52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

    53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

    54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

    55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

    56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

    57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

    58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

    59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

    60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

    61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

    62. Try to talk while drinking something.

    63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

    64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

    65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

    66. Be vague in your order.

    67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

    68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

    69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

    70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

    71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

    72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

    73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

    74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

    75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

    76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

    77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

    78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

    79. Put them on hold.

    80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

    81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

    82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

    83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

    84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

    85. Haggle.

    86. Order a one-inch pizza.

    87. Order term life insurance.

    88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

    89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

    90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

    91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

    92. Engage in some serious swapping.

    93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

    94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

    95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

    96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

    97. Order a steamed pizza.

    98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

    99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

    If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...

    100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  13. #13
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!


    1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

    2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

    3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

    4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes or supplies don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

    5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

    6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

    7. If you don't like my work tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

    8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

    9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.

    10. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less
    fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you
    received for being such a good manager.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  14. #14
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Signs Your Company is about to Lay You Off

    CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."

    Dr. Kevorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."

    Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

    Company softball team down-sized to chess team.

    Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.

    Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."

    Company president now driving a Hyundai.

    Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.

    Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.

    Gaurd at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.

    Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

    Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.

    Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.

    Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  15. #15
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Things to do when Bored in an Elevator

    When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

    Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile and go back for more.

    Ask if you can push the button for other people and then push the wrong ones.

    Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

    Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Don. How's your day been?"

    Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on ask if they have an appointment.

    Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

    Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then announce, "I have new socks on."

    Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

    Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

    Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,"Got enough air in there?"

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  16. #16
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    Hey t- your mom is soooo fat

    - when she dances she makes the band skip

    - when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease doctor gave her 13 years
    to live

    - she puts mayonnaise on aspirin

    - her ass has its own congressman

    - her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard

    - when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts

    - her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph

    - her driver's license says Picture continued on other side

    - the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

    - all the restaurants in town have signs that say Maximum Occupancy240 Patrons

    - when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton

    - when she gets in an elevator it HAS to go down

    - she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

    - she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her

    - I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side

    - they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through

    - her nickname is DAAAMN

    - she has to iron her pants on the driveway

    - she's on BOTH sides of the family

    - when I yell Kool-Aid she comes crashing through the wall

    - she could sell shade

    - when she crosses the street cars look out for her

    - people jog around her for exercise

    - she gets runs in her jeans

    - her blood type is Ragu

    - when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu she gets an estimate

    - if she got her shoes shined she'd have to take his word for it

    - she has to put her belt on with a boomerang

    - when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party

    - she can't even jump to a conclusion

    - she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

    - her belly button doesn't have lint it has sweaters

    - when she cuts herself she bleeds gravy

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  17. #17
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    fun things to do while shopping with your wife/girlfriend

    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

    2. Ride those little kid's electronic cars at the front of the store.

    3. In the electorincs section, set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

    4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

    5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners and pine hangups.

    6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Think Gladiator.

    7. Leave cryptic messages on the demo typewriters and computers.

    8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Then proceed to have a conversation with them.

    9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

    11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

    12. Play with the automatic doors....see if you can tire them out.

    13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

    14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

    15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

    16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Crash into the manequin you dressed, and then ask someone to calll 911.

    17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

    18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field, the check out aisle and fitting room should be used as goals.

    19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow.Magic!"

    20. Put M&M's on layaway.

    21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

    22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

    23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

    24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

    25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

    26. TP as much of the store as possible.

    27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

    28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

    29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

    30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

    31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

    32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

    33. Take bets on the battle described above.

    34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

    35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

    36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

    37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

    38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

    39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

    40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

    41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

    42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

    43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

    44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

    45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

    46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

    47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

    48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

    49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

    50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court,buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  18. #18
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

    1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

    3) Insist that your e mail address is:xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com

    4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

    6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

    7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

    10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

    11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

    12) Don't use any punctuation

    13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    14) Ask people what sex they are.

    15) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    16) Sing along at the opera.

    17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

    19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

    20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

    21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

    22) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

    23) Call the psychic hotline and just say "Guess".

    24) Contact the NAACP and ask them if they accept donations payable by confederate money.

    25) When the money comes out of the ATM, Scream "I Won! I won! 3rd time this week!!!"

    26) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

    27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bothers me, its the voices in your head that do".

    28) Tell your children over dinner " Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

    29) Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here".

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  19. #19
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    Signs you are a canadien

    You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

    You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"

    You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

    You drink pop, not soda.

    You know what it means to be on pogey.

    You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"

    You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.

    Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

    You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

    You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

    You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.

    You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

    You know what a tuque is.

    You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

    You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

    The local paper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

    You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

    You understand the Labatt Blue commercials

    You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"

    You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade

    "Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary

    You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  20. #20
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    more signs you are a computer geek

    When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

    You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is, "Hi, what's your URL?"

    You sign Holiday cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

    Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

    You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

    Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

    On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

    You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

    Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

    You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.

    You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

    You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

    You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."

    At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."

    After winning the office Super Bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"

    Two words: "Pizza's here."

    You email this message to your friends over the net.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  21. #21
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    fun things for the office after being fired.

    25. Two words: whoopie cushion

    24. Wear green lipstick and pinch everyone and tell them it's for "not honoring St. Patty". If they correct you to tell you it's not St. Patrick's day, whisper "Don't tell that to the leprechaun!" and slither away.

    23. Call your boss "Sport" and "Slugger" for your entire last week.

    22. Constantly eat hamburger. On your last day, "accidentally" leave hamburger meat on/in/near your desk.

    21. Walk around quietly singing "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms"

    20. Play dead.

    19. Sign all your emails "Disgruntled,"

    18. Don't wear deodorant. If people act like you smell (because you do), tell them it's your new cologne "mordre" (French for "bite me").

    17. Burn incense and if you're told it's against office policy to have something burning inside, say in an evil voice as you can muster, "Fine. YOU tell Buddha that!"

    16. Send out very random one word emails to the whole staff like "banana" or "pancreas" or "transvestite". Nothing else. Just the one word. Do this about 3 times a day for a week, and if people tell you to stop, tell them it must be a bug in your system.

    15. If you have a "kitchen" in your office, write "die" on the counter in blood. Just leave it there. Wear a prominent Band-Aid and look at everyone with a glare.

    16. Come to work in slippers.

    14. Wear white pants and thong underwear, even if you are a guy.

    13. If you're lucky enough to have a board meeting your last week, squirm like you have to pee, but tell people it's those "pesky parasites"

    . . . .drink beer.

    12. . . .wear a Burger King crown and sit with your eyes closed the entire time. Even when you're talking, don't open your eyes, but make facial expressions nonetheless.

    11. . . .consistently hum one monotone note quietly but keep acting like you are really interested in the meeting. Take notes, nod, look around. If someone asks what the noise is, say "What noise?" and act just as curious as everyone else.

    10. Tell your co-workers you now prefer to be called "Posh Spice" because it makes you feel worthwhile and sexy.

    9. If you've been "let go", growl quietly every time you see your boss. Keep normal facial expressions and body movement.

    8. Tell people you are engaged, and when they start congratulating you, say in a defensive tone with your hand on your forehead, "Stop pressuring me! I'll get married when I get married!".

    7. Tell everyone that next week, you'll be living the "high life" as an astronaut.

    6. Go to a costume shop and get a real looking fake wound. Plaster it to your face and tell everyone it was from "that ferret I just can't get rid of".

    5. Place a teddy bear next to your computer on your desk. Frequently talk to it and kiss it.

    4. Give a forwarding address in Katmandu.

    3. One day, have a "flashback" and come to work dressed in 80's attire. Tell your office mates you really never thought the 80's died, they were just taking an extended leave.

    2. If you're ever in the coffee room alone, and someone else comes in, ignore their presence and make loud cappuccino noises while you prepare your drink. And the number one way to freak our your coworkers after doing all these things. . .

    1. Stay.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  22. #22
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    t- do you yield.... or shall i continue with the inane joke assault in defense!!!!!

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  23. #23
    ultrabuddy twrayinma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002

    hey oreo!

    what... that's all you've got?

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.

  24. #24
    ultrabuddy twrayinma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002

    hey oreo!

    fuck off!

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.

  25. #25
    Lifer oreo_n2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Amherst, NH

    hey oreo!

    dude, i so totallly used that line last week in the exact same way.... get some original material loser.


    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

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