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The Innermost Thoughts of your Cat

  1. #1
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of your Cat

    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

    DAY 183
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 184
    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

    DAY 185
    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 186
    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 187
    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 188
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

    But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


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    Rich

  2. #2
    Mrs. Frankenstein
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    The Innermost Thoughts of your Cat

    only problem with that scenerio is my cat gets wet and dry food lol he doesnt kill mice - however he DOES catch them when they make their way into the house somehow and bats them around just to hear them squeek. he isnt amused by cat toys - but DOES love pen caps, elastics, paper clips, ribbon made into curly cues lol..... amongst other things such as insisting upon sitting in the bathtub staring at the drain when I'm done with the shower.... lol

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  3. #3
    ultrabuddy twrayinma's Avatar
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    The Innermost Thoughts of your Cat

    my friggin' cats are fighting.
    the big one corners the little one either upstairs, or in the basement, and just *will* not let 'im out.

    if this keeps up all weekend, i just might have some new, furry seatcovers...

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    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.

  4. #4
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of your Cat

    last one....

    DOGS VS CATS

    A Dog's Letter to God:

    Dear God:
    How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

    Dear God:
    When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

    Dear God:
    Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

    Dear God:
    If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

    Dear God:
    Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

    Dear God:
    More meatballs, less spaghetti, please!

    Dear God:
    When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

    Dear God:
    We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent, ID selectromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

    Dear God:
    Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

    Dear God:
    Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

    Dear God:
    Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?

    Dear God:
    Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?


    CAT'S LETTER TO GOD

    Dear God:
    Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't really care.


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    Rich

  5. #5
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of your Cat

    Seeing how I'm not doing much at the office today.. here's another one... long but good!

    A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from"?

    Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

    And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

    And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

    And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for the new animal.

    And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."

    And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to The Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him he is loved, but perhaps too well."

    And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes he was reminded that he was Not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

    Amen



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    Rich

  6. #6
    Member the Large AMan's Avatar
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    The Innermost Thoughts of your Cat

    Really working on that post count today I see. Damn post-whore ...

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