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The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

  1. #1
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog


    I love my master;
    Thus I perfume myself with
    This long-rotten squirrel.

    I lie belly-up
    In the sunshine, happier than
    You ever will be.

    Today I sniffed
    Many dog butts - I celebrate
    By kissing your face.

    I sound the alarm!
    Paperboy - come to kill us all -
    Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

    I sound the alarm!
    Mailman Fiend - come to kill us all -
    Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

    I sound the alarm!
    Meter reader - come to kill us all -
    Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

    I sound the alarm!
    Garbage man - come to kill us all -
    Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

    I sound the alarm!
    Neighbor's cat - come to kill us all!
    Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

    I lift my leg and
    Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
    Sniff this and weep.

    How do I love thee?
    The ways are numberless as
    My hairs on the rug.

    My human is home!
    I am so ecstatic I have
    Made a puddle.

    I hate my choke chain -
    Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
    Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

    Sleeping here, my chin
    On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
    Maybe catching cats.

    Look in my eyes and
    Deny it. No human could
    Love you as much I do.

    The cat is not all
    Bad - she fills the litter box
    With Tootsie Rolls.

    Dig under fence - why?
    Because it's there. Because it's
    There. Because it's there.

    I am your best friend,
    Now, always, and especially
    When you are eating.

    You may call them fleas,
    But they are far more - I call
    Them a vocation.

    My owners' mood is
    Romantic - I lie near their
    Feet. I fart a big one.

    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

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    Rich

  2. #2
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    Don't encourage me.... lol

    How many Dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

    Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

    Rottweiler: Make me!

    Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

    Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

    Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

    Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

    Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

    Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

    Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

    Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

    Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

    Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

    Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

    Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

    Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

    Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

    Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

    Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


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    Rich

  3. #3
    Administrator Frankenstein's Avatar
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    HAHAHA that was awesome Rich!

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    -Josh || Forum Rules || Stop. Think. Post.

    "I brap with a clear conscience." - nhbubba

  4. #4
    Mrs. Frankenstein
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    what about the innermost thoughts of your cat- cuz i know my cat does some STRANGE things............ every single freakin day atleast grrrrr

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  5. #5
    ultrabuddy twrayinma's Avatar
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    nice.

    here's what dogs are thinking when they bark:
    "hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey!"

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    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.

  6. #6
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    Ok... now to change pace...



    In the back room of his office, the vet is explaining how the dog will be put down. Two drugs are used, he says, the first a massive dose of barbiturate, the second a chemical that stops the diaphragm. The dog will just drift off, he says, and the last thing he will see is his owner's face.

    The vet is the kindest of men. "With men," he says, "I generally leave the room after I administer the shot. They usually cry, and they don't like to cry in front of other men."

    The boy -- well, he's not a boy any more, but a man with a wife of his own and a baby on the way -- is loading his dog in the car. He was a boy when the dog was a puppy, and together they grew up. They took care of each other.

    He'd wanted a "fierce dog, a man's dog," a dog unlike his brother's goofy and carefree Labrador, unlike his sister's hyper and secretive cocker spaniel. The world had been closing in on him then, and he wanted a dog for assurance. He studied the AKC Breed Book, checking out mastiffs and Akita's.

    But his parents drew the line there, and he decided on a Boxer. "This is going to be a tough dog," he vowed.

    The Boxer puppy was a sad-eyed, fawn-colored ball of fur with floppy black jowls, a docked tail and what turned out to be a perpetual gaze of bewilderment. As he grew -- and boy, did he grow -- he resisted every effort to turn him into a "fierce dog." The boy would wrestle with him, box with him, and the dog would merely look perplexed.

    He much preferred to simply flop down on top of a pillow, or another dog, or someone's feet, and snooze. He developed an unerring nose for comfort, able to find the softest, cushiest spot in any environment. The foot of a bed, a cozy spot in front of a fire, a pile of leaves, freshly turned earth in the garden atop newly set tomato plants. Some dogs hunt ducks, some hunt rabbits. This dog hunted comfort.

    At first, the boy was disappointed. No matter how hard he tried to make the dog fierce, the dog remained gentle and unperturbed. Oh, he looked fierce -- 82 pounds, sleek and well-muscled, flopping black jowls and glistening white teeth -- but he'd been loved too much to be mean. The boy would say, "Wuss," and then he'd take the dog to bed with him.

    The boy went off on his own, without the dog, exploring paths that led nowhere. He'd be gone for months at a time, but when he came home, the dog would be there, unchanged, unperturbed, unthreatening, unconditional.

    The dog grew to be well-mannered, gentle and deferential. The Labrador would be bred, and her puppies would gang up on the Boxer, attacking him, chewing his ears. He would merely yawn, or at most, bat them gently away with one giant paw.

    He was useless as a watchdog, having been spoiled by a UPS man who gave him dog biscuits and scratched his ears. He preferred non-human prey, attacking whatever walked out of the forest adjacent to the house -- coons, possums, muskrat, fawns -- leaving their carcasses as gifts in the driveway while he took a snooze to rest up.

    It must be said: He wasn't very smart. His attention span could only be measured in nanoseconds. Throw a tennis ball and he'd spin, take off after it and then stop, turn around and look baffled as if to say, "What was I supposed to do?" Open the door and whistle through a thunderstorm, he'd stand peering at you, literally too dumb to come in out of the rain.

    But he knows other things. He knows that there are better ways to get through life than being fierce and aggressive, or even smart. Go softly, go slowly, love and be loved. Don't complain, don't snap, don't bite, not even when disease invades and weight falls off and ribs protrude and you can barely summon the energy to lap up water. Find a comfortable spot in the yard in the greening spring, a place where breeze blows softly and the sunlight warms you and people care for you.

    "He's going fast," said the vet.
    "Call me when it's time."


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    Rich

  7. #7
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    And if that didn't get ya....

    I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep
    I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep

    I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
    "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here"

    I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea
    You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me

    I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore
    I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more

    I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care
    I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there

    I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key
    I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me"

    You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair
    I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there

    It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday
    To say to you with certainty, "I never went away"

    You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew
    In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you

    The day is over, I smile and watch you yawning
    And say "Goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning"

    And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
    I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side

    I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see
    Be patient, live your journey out, then come home to be with me

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    Rich

  8. #8
    ultrabuddy twrayinma's Avatar
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    you fucker.

    that's just plain not fair.

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    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.

  9. #9
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    Ok... finish with a funny:

    How To Photograph A New Puppy
    1. Remove film from box and load camera.
    2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
    3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
    4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
    5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
    6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
    7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
    8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
    9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
    10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
    11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
    12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
    13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
    14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
    15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
    16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
    17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
    18. Fix a drink.
    19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
    20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog.


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    Rich

  10. #10
    Mrs. Frankenstein
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    no offense rich but right no i really really hate you

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  11. #11
    Bikeless Prick
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    The Innermost Thoughts of Your Dog

    Hey... I finished with a funny... k? One more? You've already seen the Cat Diary well here's....

    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

    Day 180
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

    Day 181
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

    Day 182
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    1:30 pm - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!




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    Rich

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