Jokes from Germany!!

[Uncle Snake]

This might be a repost on my part.......

Being mostly German, I think these jokes are really funny!









Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

[OreoGaborio]

and they sound even better w/ a cartoonish German accent.

I'll have to tell those to mein fräulein friend.

[NinjaSwan]

Those are some pimp jokes.

[number9]

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

I don't get that one.

[Garandman]

What is the difference between heaven and hell?

In Heaven, the waiters are German, the chefs are French and the police are English.

In hell, the waiters are French, the chefs are English and the police are German.



Why are all French streets tree lined? So the German Army can March in the shape.

[MUZ720]

there's a comedy skit about shooting fish in a barrel that comes to mind!

[loudbeard]

You know why the subway smells like piss?

Because there’s piss on the subway.

[Garandman]

While on thr Army in 1984 we took a German tour bus (think crusie at 100mph) as a professional development trip to Normandy for the 40th anniersary of DDay, which was awesome.

When we hit the French brder, the S1 passed out the lyrics to the Panzerlied ("Tanker's Song") "So we can sing our way across France, like the Wehrmacht."

Completely awesome experience as a lot of DDay vets were in their 60's and well able to make the trip. Some of the Commandos, Rangers and Paratroopers we met looked like they were ready to do it again. Some hard, hard men.

Also randomly, I net the German Sergeant of the Guard (spoke German rather well) who had just gone to sleep in the church at St. Mere Eglis in the early AM, when he woke up with a tommy gun in his face. He told me if he'd not been captured by the 82nd he never would have survived the war.

[dontpanic]

My mom's side of the family is German.

My sister once handed me a slip of paper. On the front, she had written, "How do you make a German angry? (Turn over.)" On the back, she had written the same thing.

Germans - known for our wit.

[nhbubba]

I have a close friend that is german. He thinks braveheart is a comedy; laughs his ass off through the whole thing.

[Garandman]

Was in a ski line in the Italian Alps. They don't line up: everybody just pushes to the head of the line.

An Italian skied over my ski. I objected and the German next to me said, "Well. you ski on the bottoms, after all." Thanks Conrad.

[FriskyDingo]

[Garandman]

Germans have no problem telling jokes about other nationalities. They warm up to it quickly. Belgians, Brits, French, Turks, Slavs, they got a million of them.

Charlief Thumbs-downed this post, so I will add another ethnic joke told me by a German. I speak German and lived there for three years.

“What is the difference between a Belgian and a roll of film? A roll of film can be developed.”

WWII vets were still around so it was interesting to go to family parties (a friend of mine married a German) and meet “The family Nazi.” Boys 12+ during the war were exposed to the Hitlerjugend program: mandatory Nazi Boy Scouts. So their views were shaped by that outlook during their developmental years. Some were openly defiant to Americans. But that was a rarity.

One of these forays led to a score for another officer. He was a reenactor and very familiar with WWII German uniforms. He was offered a complete SS officers uniform for $300. It was worth more like $2,000 in the US but was illegal to possess in a Germany so the guy wanted to get rid of it.

We visited Dachau. Sobering. I had nightmares for days.

[Falko]

My wife's step father is German, her mother and he live in Munich. We were over there many years ago for Christmas (which he still puts actual lit candles on the tree) and New Years. We had a big family celebration New Year's Eve and it was really cold.
I took a glass of water outside and threw it into the air and watched it evaporate before hitting the ground to entertain the kids. He walks over and asks "Vy do you sink it does sis?" Being a young engineer at the time I started to go into an explanation of relative humidity and water grains etc etc. When finished, he just looked at me, "And I am sie German here? All you have to say, 'because it is very cold' hahahahahahaha" He got me hooked into drinking scotch that night.

[stoinkythepig]

I stole those jokes. Brilliant.

[mattrsvr]

These jokes are F-ing hysterical!🤣

[number9]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

[MUZ720]

My 1st wife's Dad is German , He is currently 98 years old. Tough as nails no nonsense guy.. Fought in WW2 on our side. His name is Adolf! He would laugh at that fact telling story's about that time! Must have been hilarious during the war!