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This is an oldie but a goodie

  1. #1
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Mar 2002
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    Amherst, NH
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    This is an oldie but a goodie

    you know, i think i have been emailed this a lot more than once since the invention of email, but i still find myself laughing outloud no matter how many times i have read it... check it!

    >Subject: Inexperienced Chili Taster
    >
    >Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
    >Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    >judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
    >last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
    >asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured
    >by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
    >that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    >tasting, so I accepted."
    >
    >Here are the scorecards from the event:
    >
    >
    >CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    >
    >JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    >
    >JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    >
    >FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    >paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
    >hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    >
    >
    >CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    >
    >JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    >
    >JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    >seriously.
    >
    >FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
    >supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
    >to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
    >They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    >
    >
    >CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    >
    >JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    >
    >JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    >
    >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    >have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
    >beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
    >is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
    >beer.
    >
    >
    >CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    >
    >JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    >
    >JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    >other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    >
    >FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    >taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    >standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting
    >to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    >aphrodisiac?
    >
    >
    >CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    >
    >JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    >considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    >
    >JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    >the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    >
    >FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    >no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    >chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    >pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    lips
    off? It really
    >pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
    >those rednecks!
    >
    >
    >CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    >
    >JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    >spice and peppers.
    >
    >JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    >Superb.
    >
    >FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    >sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    >Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
    >cone!
    >
    >
    >CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    >
    >JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    >
    >JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    >chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    >about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    >cursing uncontrollably.
    >
    >FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    >wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
    >sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
    >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
    >shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
    >what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
    >Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
    >suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    >
    >

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    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  2. #2
    Jon and Clara's Dad snaggle's Avatar
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    Mar 2002
    Location
    Walpole,NH
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    This is an oldie but a goodie

    That was wicked funny. First time I had seen that one.

    0 Not allowed!
    '04 600RR

  3. #3
    Lifer
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    2,077

    This is an oldie but a goodie

    OMFGROFLMFAOBBQ!

    This is some of the funniest shit I've read in a long time.
































































































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