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you know, i think i have been emailed this a lot more than once since the invention of email, but i still find myself laughing outloud no matter how many times i have read it... check it!
>Subject: Inexperienced Chili Taster
>
>Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
>Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
>last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
>asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured
>by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
>that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
>tasting, so I accepted."
>
>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>
>CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>
>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
>FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
>paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>
>JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>
>FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
>They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>
>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
>JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
>have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
>is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
>beer.
>
>
>CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>
>JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
>FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
>standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting
>to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
>aphrodisiac?
>
>
>CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>
>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very Impressive.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
>no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips
off? It really
>pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
>those rednecks!
>
>
>CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>
>JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spice and peppers.
>
>JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>Superb.
>
>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
>cone!
>
>
>CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>
>JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
>JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
>cursing uncontrollably.
>
>FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
>sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
>which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
>shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
>what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
>Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
>suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
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