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an oldie but a goodie

  1. #1
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    an oldie but a goodie

    There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

    He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

    "Except what?" the man asked.

    "Nothing, nothing."

    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

    "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

    The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

    The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

    "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

    So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

    The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

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    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  2. #2
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    an oldie but a goodie

    Ok, there are these triplets and they are still inside there mom.
    The first triplet turns to his brothers and says "When I grow up I am going
    to be a plumber so I can get rid of all of all this water in here, it is so
    damn wet."
    The second triplet turns to his brothers and says "When I grow I am going to
    be an electrician so we can get some lights in here, it is so damn dark."
    The third triplet turns to his brothers and says when I grow up I am going to
    be an exterminator so I can kill that damn beaver that keeps sticking its
    head in here and spitting on us!"

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    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  3. #3
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    greg, was that your voice ... ...



    A man walks in to a bar with an alligator. He goes over to the bar and
    sits down to order a drink. The bartender says "I don't think you
    should be in here with that alligator. Those things are dangerous."
    "Not my alligator", the man replied, "watch."
    The man proceeded to take out his dick and put it in the alligators
    mouth. He even went as far as to slap the snout of the 'gator while his
    dick was in there. All the gator did was smile.
    "There see. Gentle as a baby. Does anybody else want to try?"
    "Ok." Said a voice from the back of the bar. "But don't slap me on the
    nose."

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    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  4. #4
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    some good one liners.....

    Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


    Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
    A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.


    Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
    A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


    Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
    A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


    Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
    A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."


    Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
    A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.


    Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
    A: Dill-dough


    Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
    A: He heard the snowblower coming.


    Q: What does a teenage girl from New Hampshire say when she's having sex?
    A: Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes!

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    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

  5. #5
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    this one is long... but entertaining

    offered by an
    >
    > English professor at an American University.
    >
    > "Today we will experiment with a new form called the
    >
    > tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
    > will
    >
    > pair off with the person sitting to his or her
    >
    > immediate right. One of you will then write the
    > first
    >
    > paragraph of a short story. The partner will read
    > the
    >
    > first paragraph and then add another paragraph to
    > the
    >
    > story. The first person will then add a third
    >
    > paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
    >
    > re-read what has been written each time in order to
    >
    > keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely
    > NO
    >
    > talking and anything you wish to say must be written
    >
    > on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
    >
    > conclusion has been reached."
    >
    > The following was actually turned in by two of my
    >
    > English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and
    > Gary
    >
    > - last name deleted.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > STORY:
    >
    > (first paragraph by Rebecca)
    >
    > At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
    >
    > she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her
    >
    > favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her
    >
    > too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
    >
    > that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now,
    > at
    >
    > all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
    > possessiveness
    >
    > was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
    > much
    >
    > her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
    >
    > out of the question.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (second paragraph by Gary)
    >
    > Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of
    >
    > the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had
    >
    > more important things to think about than the
    > neuroses
    >
    > of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
    >
    > whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
    >
    > "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his
    >
    > transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
    > established.
    >
    > No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
    >
    > sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of
    >
    > nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
    >
    > bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying
    > out
    >
    > of his seat and across the cockpit.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (Rebecca)
    >
    > He bumped his head and died almost immediately but
    >
    > not before he felt one last pang of regret for
    >
    > psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
    > had
    >
    > feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
    >
    > pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
    > of
    >
    > Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
    > Abolishing
    >
    > War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
    >
    > one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
    >
    > bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of
    > her
    >
    > youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
    >
    > carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television
    > to
    >
    > distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
    > all
    >
    > the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose
    >
    > one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
    >
    > wistfully.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (Gary)
    >
    > Little did she know, but she had less than 10
    >
    > seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city,
    >
    > the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
    >
    > lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
    >
    > peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
    >
    > Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
    > Earth
    >
    > a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires
    > who
    >
    > were determined to destroy the human race. Within
    > two
    >
    > hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian
    >
    > ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
    >
    > firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no
    > one
    >
    > to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
    > diabolical
    >
    > plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
    >
    > atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
    > top-secret
    >
    > Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
    >
    > the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
    >
    > explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
    > 85
    >
    > million other Americans. The President slammed his
    >
    > fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!
    >
    > I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
    >
    > the sky!"
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (rebecca)
    >
    > This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
    >
    > literature. My writing partner is a violent,
    >
    > chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (gary)
    >
    > Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
    >
    > whose attempts at writing are the literary
    > equivalent
    >
    > of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall
    > I
    >
    > have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm
    > such
    >
    > an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle
    > Steele
    >
    > novels."
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (rebecca)
    >
    > Asshole.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (gary)
    >
    > Bitch.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (rebecca)
    >
    > Wanker.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (gary)
    >
    > slut.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (rebecca)
    >
    > Get f*cked.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (gary)
    >
    > Eat shit.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (rebecca)
    >
    > F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > (gary)
    >
    > Go drink some tea - whore.
    >
    > **********************************************
    >
    > (teacher)
    >
    > A+ - I really liked this one.

    0 Not allowed!
    Brent LRRS #772
    2006 KTM 560 SMR

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