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Terrible, terrible joke.......

  1. #1
    Satans Donkey Uncle Snake's Avatar
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    Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Sorry......

    So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest

    kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier

    if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to

    predators for one thing. Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy

    godmother.

    He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like

    the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and

    suchlike."

    The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,

    "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

    The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his

    package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a

    minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

    To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons.

    You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her

    and hops off on his way.

    There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As

    luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother.

    He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown

    like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on

    account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

    She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and

    says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

    The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the

    exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My

    wang is still purple!"

    She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The

    Wizard of Oz for that."

    To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how

    the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

    The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow

    the yellowdick Toad!"

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    Jake
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    2000 Kawasaki ZRX1109 black

  2. #2

    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Yeah that was pretty bad.

    Why dont crows get hit by cars....

    Because they're buddies are in the trees saying cawww cawww

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  3. #3

    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    A duck walks into a pharmacy and puts some lip stick on the counter. The cashier says how would you like to pay for this? The duck replys "just put it on my bill"

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  4. #4
    Life is good! gadget's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    I got no sleep last night... all night long a girl was banging on my door... finally I just had to let her out

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    Sam


  5. #5

    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    What do you call a deer with no eye?

    No idear.

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  6. #6
    Lifer snwbrdr435's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Tom Dick and Jane rent a boat and go deep sea fishing.

    A storm sinks their boat and they become shipwrecked on an island.

    Nature takes its course and soon Tom and Jane are banging.

    Time goes on and jane feels terrible for what she has done so she kills herself.

    Time goes on and Tom and dick, well nature takes its course.

    One day tom walks over to dick because he was feeling pretty bad about what they were doing and says.. I think its time we bury jane

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  7. #7
    Lifer 01xj's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    What do you call a chicken coop with four doors?

    A chicken sedan.

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  8. #8
    Rider. Just a rider... DucDave's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    I was arrested once.

    This happened over thirty years ago. I was still a young man and looking to make some real money. A friends parents had an indoor swimming pool in New Jersey they never used anymore, and we decided to try and make some money by raising dolphins and selling them to the navy.

    We had heard the navy used porpoise for recovery at sea and finding and defusing mines. We also heard they use young dolphins they caught in the wild. We figured if we could breed them the navy would buy them from us rather than catching them.

    We filled his parents pool with sea water. Hired a fisherman to catch a few dolphins, and threw them in the pool and waited. And waited some more. Nothing. It was costing us plenty to feed them and they were not holding up their end. We got some guy who said he knew about dolphins to check them out, just to make sure we didn't have all one sex. Nope, there was two female and one male.

    He than told us that dolphins do not breed well in captivity. If we wanted to get them to relax, we would have to simulate their natural surroundings. He suggested we place rocks, coral and seaweed in the pool, and surround it with trees and bushes to give them some privacy.

    What he told us next sounds stupid, and we should have known better, but we were willing to try almost anything. He told us that for some unknown reason Mynah birds make dolphins amorous. He said to get a couple dozen birds and release them into the indoor pool. Their singing would drive the dolphins wild with passion, and we would have little ones in no time.

    We called around and the only place that carried that many Mynahs was a store in New York, just across the border. Well not thinking much about it we borrowed a station wagon, drove to New York and bought two dozen Mynahs. It was just as we crossed back over into New Jersey that we were stopped by a cop for some silly reason or another, I don't remember anymore. Maybe it was a broken taillight or not using my turn signals to pass, all I remember is it was silly.

    When he saw all the birds he got curious, and stared asking questions. Not knowing any better we told him the whole story.

    That is when he arrested us for... and get this, he arrested us for "Transporting Mynahs across the state line for immoral porpoise's."

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    "A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
    Muhammad Ali.

  9. #9
    Lifer obsolete's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

    The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

    The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

    The cop replies to the man "You can't have them as pets, you need to take them to the zoo right now."

    So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

    The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

    The man says "I did, we had so much fun today we are going to the beach!"

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    -Alex
    I can resist everything but Pete's mom.

  10. #10
    Life is good! gadget's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    groan
    these are getting worse...



    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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    Last edited by gadget; 11-18-10 at 08:50 AM.
    Sam


  11. #11
    Rider. Just a rider... DucDave's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by obsolete View Post
    One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

    The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

    The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

    The cop replies to the man "You can't have them as pets, you need to take them to the zoo right now."

    So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

    The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

    The man says "I did, we had so much fun today we are going to the beach!"

    Obviously you have no children...

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    "A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
    Muhammad Ali.

  12. #12
    Lifer obsolete's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by DucDave View Post
    Obviously you have no children...
    My penguins are my kids, don't judge me.

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    -Alex
    I can resist everything but Pete's mom.

  13. #13
    Member madkaw's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his johnson. The bartender says, "Hey what's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "Arrgghh, it's driving me nuts!"

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  14. #14
    Lifer obsolete's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

    The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

    Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

    Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

    Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

    The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

    The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

    The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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    -Alex
    I can resist everything but Pete's mom.

  15. #15
    Career Grifter KawiSmurf's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    A guy walks into a bar. Ouch, that must've hurt.


    A baby seal walks into a club.


    An elephant walks into a bar. He destroys pretty much everything.


    A panda walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a burger. As soon as he's done, he gets up, pulls out a gun, and shoots up the place. When he's done, he heads for the door. The bartender yells after him, "Hey, what the hell did ya do that for!?!" The panda turns slowly, and says "I'm a Panda Bear. Look it up." The bartender finds an old dictionary in the back, and looks up 'Panda Bear': "large furry mammal with distinctive black and white markings, indigenous to Eastern Asia; eats shoots and leaves."

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  16. #16
    Hand Bra Designer Garandman's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Paratrooper in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

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  17. #17
    Lifer ZX-12R's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by KawiSmurf View Post
    A guy walks into a bar. Ouch, that must've hurt.
    I like the variation that goes: Three guys walk into a bar and the fourth one ducks!

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    "...i would seriously bite somebody right in the balls..." -bump909

  18. #18
    ^ It's my bike and my car tls25rs's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Rodney54 View Post
    What do you call a deer with no eye?

    No idear.
    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    Still, no idea!


    What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?

    Still, no fucking, idea!

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  19. #19
    Life is good! gadget's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    A Math Problem

    The problem: There's a box with a hole at each end, and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later, etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?

    In theory, two minutes.

    In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.

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    Sam


  20. #20
    Lifer obsolete's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess." "Shhh" i said, there's nothing to confess... Everything's all right." "No I must die in peace. I fucked your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you cunt, now close your eyes''

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    -Alex
    I can resist everything but Pete's mom.

  21. #21
    Posting Freak khuygie88's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    What do you call a man with no arms and now legs in a bush?

    Russel

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

    Bob

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs outside your door?

    Matt

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  22. #22
    Posting Freak senecak19's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Two fish are swimming up stream when all of a sudden they hit a wall. One fish looks at the other and says "damn".

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  23. #23
    Hand Bra Designer Garandman's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by khuygie88 View Post
    What do you call a man with no arms and now legs in a bush?

    Russel

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

    Bob

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs outside your door?

    Matt
    On your living room wall? Art.
    In your fireplace? Bernie.
    In a hole in the ground? Doug.
    Water skiing? Skip.

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  24. #24
    Silent until Snarky pk4882's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Garandman View Post
    On your living room wall? Art.
    In your fireplace? Bernie.
    In a hole in the ground? Doug.
    Water skiing? Skip.
    Going over the fence? Homer.

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  25. #25
    Career Grifter KawiSmurf's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Garandman View Post
    On your living room wall? Art.
    In your fireplace? Bernie.
    In a hole in the ground? Doug.
    Water skiing? Skip.
    Quote Originally Posted by pk4882 View Post
    Going over the fence? Homer.

    Under your car? Jack

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