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Terrible, terrible joke.......

  1. #26
    Just Registered 13's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    A bear walks into a bar, slaps a $20 down onto the bar and says, "Bartender! Get me a gin ........................................................................... ............................... and tonic."

    To this the bartender replies, "What's with the big paws?"




    A piece of string walks into a bar, before he can order, the bartender yells, "HEY! We don't serve your kind here. Get out."
    The string storms out and, in a fit of rage, ties himself into a knot and burns his ends. Then he walks back into the bar.
    The bartender looks at him closely and says, "Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?".
    The string looks back at him and says, "I'm a frayed knot!"

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  2. #27
    Lifer obsolete's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by 7.62gigawatts View Post
    A bear walks into a bar, slaps a $20 down onto the bar and says, "Bartender! Get me a gin ........................................................................... ............................... and tonic."

    To this the bartender replies, "What's with the big paws?"




    A piece of string walks into a bar, before he can order, the bartender yells, "HEY! We don't serve your kind here. Get out."
    The string storms out and, in a fit of rage, ties himself into a knot and burns his ends. Then he walks back into the bar.
    The bartender looks at him closely and says, "Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?".
    The string looks back at him and says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
    Chris wins the thread.

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    -Alex
    I can resist everything but Pete's mom.

  3. #28
    I pick things up.... mzdagrl's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by KawiSmurf View Post
    Under your car? Jack
    On your lawn first thing in the morning? Dewey.

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  4. #29
    Posting Freak idratherberidin's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Two muffins are in a oven, one muffin says to the other " it's getting hot in here!" the other muffin says " holy shit a talking muffin!"

    Two statues are in a park, a man and a women statue holding hands. One day a angel flies over and sees the two statues and gets and idea. With a wave of her hand shes turns the two statues to life, she tells the two that they have 5 minutes to do what they have always wanted to do. The statues look at each other and hurry off into the bushes. For 4 minutes all you can hear is grunting and groaning coming from the bushes. The statues exit the bushes early and the angel says " you still have a minute left." The male statue looks at the female statue and says "this time I'll hold the pigeon down and you can shit on em"

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    Last edited by idratherberidin; 11-19-10 at 11:12 AM.

  5. #30
    Just Registered ThisBitch's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    A man and a woman are discussing what would happen if one of them ever died.

    Man: Would you ever date again?

    Woman: It would be hard, but I would probably eventually move on.

    Man: Would you marry again?

    Woman: If I found someone as wonderful as you, sure.

    Man: Would you let him live in our house?

    Woman: If that's where we decided, I guess so.

    Man: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

    Woman: Well, if we haven't gotten a new bed I suppose so.

    Man: Would you let him use my golf clubs?

    Woman: Of course not, he's left handed!

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    Original

  6. #31
    Just Registered ThisBitch's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Farmer Joe is selling a tractor to Farmer Ted. On the agreed night, Farmer Ted stops by Joe's farm to take a look at the tractor. After looking all around the farm and not being able to find Joe, Ted finally happens upon the last barn on the property and hears some sultry music coming from inside.

    Ted peers inside and sees Farmer Joe performing a sexy strip tease in front of the tractor Ted is supposed to buy.

    "Joe! What the hell are you doing to my new tractor?"

    "Well," says Joe "the wife and I have been having some marriage problems, so we went to a therapist and he said I should try doing something naughty to a tractor..."

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    Original

  7. #32
    Life is good! gadget's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    This whole thread is full of win!

    There was once a woman who was pregnant with triplets. As she walked through a park, a mugger came out, shot her three times in the stomach, steals her things and runs away. She is taken to the hospital, and was told that all three babies are fine. However the doctor couldn’t remove the three bullets, without severely harming the babies.

    10 years later, her three children are upstairs.
    One of the girls runs down crying her eyes out, saying "Mom, I was peeing, and a bullet fell out".
    So the mom calms her down, and tells them what happened 10 years ago.

    A week later, another one of the girls runs up to the mom, crying, saying "Mom, I was peeing, and a bullet fell out."
    So, the mom calmed her down, and again told the story of what happened 10 years ago.

    Another week later, the son runs up to the mom, crying his eyes out.
    Saying.. "MOM!..." but before he could finish, the mom says "Yes, I know, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
    He replies, "No, I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog."

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    Last edited by gadget; 11-19-10 at 12:21 PM.
    Sam


  8. #33
    Wait, what? Jonny Rocket's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by mzdagrl View Post
    On your lawn first thing in the morning? Dewey.
    On the grill? Frank

    His sister? Patty

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  9. #34
    Career Grifter KawiSmurf's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Mike and Bill set out hunting one morning. They find a nice stretch of private property, and decide to see if the landowner will let them use it. As they approach the house, Mike said "I'll go up alone to ask him, I don't want him to feel intimitated by two hunters." Minutes later, Mike is having a friendly conversation with the landowner, but the man says that in order for them to hunt on his land, they must do him a favor. "You see," said the owner, "my favorite horse is extremely sick, and can't walk anymore. I just can't bring myself to kill him. If you can put him out of his misery, you fellas are free to hunt here for the rest of the season." After some hard thought, Mike agrees. Halfway back to the truck, Mike gets an idea to play a prank on Bill.

    "Well, what did he say?" asked Bill.

    Mike, pretending to be extremely pissed off, said "That sonofabitch told us to get lost, and go fuck ourselves. I'm gonna teach this stupid prick a lesson."

    Bill was nervous now as Mike headed over to the guys barn, sought out his prized horse, and pointed his shotgun straight at its head. "This oughta show that stupid bastard!" Mike pulled the trigger.

    Shocked at what he just saw, Bill sat speechless for a minute...then his face turned to a wicked smile as he turned around, pointed his gun at another horse, and said "My Turn!"

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  10. #35
    Fork oil in my veins.... gmdboston's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    What do you get when you mix human DNA with DNA from a goat?



    thrown out of the petting zoo.

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  11. #36
    Lifer rbrais's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Three men were walking across the desert and they were out of water when they came to a house. The first man agreed to go knock on the door and ask it they had any water to spare.

    After knocking, a hiddeous old lady answerd. He askd for water and she said; "Well, I'll tell you what, it's been many many years since I had a man. Do me the favor and I'll give you a gallon of water." The man gaged a little, but agreed because they would surely die soon without water.

    He entered the house an was bewildered by the sight of hundreds of ears of corn stacked around the house.

    The woman takes him in a room and gets ready. He tells her to close her eyes and she complies. He then grabbed an ear of corn and went to work. When the lady was satisfied, he threw the corn out the window. She was so pleased that she agreed to give him a second gallon of water if he did it again. The man agreed and grabbed another ear of corn and threw it out the window when finished.

    The woman asked him to do her the favor one more time and she would give him a third gallon of water. Well that would give each of the men a gallon and hopefully they could make it out of the desert. So he agreed and grabbed another ear of corn then tossed it out the window when finished.

    Satisfied, the woman fetched three gallons of water for him, as promised and he walked out the door to meet his friends who were standing near the porch. "Look guys!" he shouted. "We have three gallons of water! We're saved!"

    They looked at him and responded; "To hell with the water! Get us some more of that buttered corn!"

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  12. #37
    Winter sucks Nate Dawg's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    here's my joke

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  13. #38
    Just Registered jcbell1007's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by snwbrdr435 View Post
    Tom Dick and Jane rent a boat and go deep sea fishing.

    A storm sinks their boat and they become shipwrecked on an island.

    Nature takes its course and soon Tom and Jane are banging.

    Time goes on and jane feels terrible for what she has done so she kills herself.

    Time goes on and Tom and dick, well nature takes its course.

    One day tom walks over to dick because he was feeling pretty bad about what they were doing and says.. I think its time we bury jane
    oh wait, there's more....

    time goes on for tom and dick, and after buring jane well, nature takes it's course.

    after a few weeks, tom walks over to dick, ashamed of what they had been doing and says....i think it's time we dig jane back up.

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    Clutch Brake Throttle.....
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  14. #39
    Just Registered jcbell1007's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by mzdagrl View Post
    On your lawn first thing in the morning? Dewey.
    In a bathroom? John

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    Last edited by jcbell1007; 11-19-10 at 10:22 PM.
    Clutch Brake Throttle.....
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  15. #40
    Posting Freak khuygie88's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by jcbell1007 View Post
    In a hole? Doug
    Quote Originally Posted by Garandman View Post
    On your living room wall? Art.
    In your fireplace? Bernie.
    In a hole in the ground? Doug.
    Water skiing? Skip.
    Asked and Answered

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  16. #41
    Satans Donkey Uncle Snake's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Nate Dawg View Post
    here's my joke
    Awesome!

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  17. #42
    Just Registered jcbell1007's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by khuygie88 View Post
    Asked and Answered
    crap, missed that one. tried to recover and save the thread, came up with one of my own.

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    Clutch Brake Throttle.....
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  18. #43
    Satans Donkey Uncle Snake's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    The Defective Parrot.

    A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.







    It doesn't have any feet or legs.


    The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


    The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

    I'm a defective parrot.'


    'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


    'You actually understood and answered me. !'


    'I got every word,' says the parrot.


    'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

    'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


    'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

    'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


    You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


    'Wow,' says the guy.


    'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

    'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


    I'm especially good at ornithology.



    You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


    The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


    'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

    'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.



    You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

    The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by.


    The parrot is sensational.

    He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


    The guy is delighted.


    One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.



    'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

    'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

    'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


    'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.



    'THEN what happened?'

    'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

    'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


    'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

    Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

    DUNNO! I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'

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  19. #44
    Try to not be offended DocCola's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Grandma's boyfriend

    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

    'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

    Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

    I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

    The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh

    ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

    Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

    She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

    Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

    The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

    The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

    The minister fainted.

    Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are

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  20. #45
    Life is good! gadget's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    An old man gets on a bus and sits down across from a punk rocker.
    The punk rocker has a mohawk that is rainbow colored with all sort of strange makeup on.
    The old man just stares and stares at the kid until the kid looks back at the old man and says, "What is your problem, old man?!"

    The old man says, "I was in the Navy a long time ago and one night in Brazil I got so drunk I fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

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    Sam


  21. #46
    Rider. Just a rider... DucDave's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Quote Originally Posted by pk4882 View Post
    Going over the fence? Homer.
    in a hot tub? Stu

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    "A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
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  22. #47
    Rider. Just a rider... DucDave's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Two Irish guys walk by a bar.


    ...yeah, right,,,,

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    "A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
    Muhammad Ali.

  23. #48
    Professor of Philosphy Cerberus's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    what the difference between a joke and 2 dicks?



    your wife can't take a joke..

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    Get out while you can

    Find your own path

  24. #49
    Rider. Just a rider... DucDave's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    ...wadda ya get when ya cross a potato with a penis?





    a dicktater....

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    "A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
    Muhammad Ali.

  25. #50
    Life is good! gadget's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Two ladies taking in Heaven

    1st woman: Hi Wanda.

    2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.

    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we might still both still be alive.

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    Sam


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