Terrible, terrible joke.......

[aldend123]

Why do police always get to the riots early?

To beat the crowds.

They're like red solo cups - it's not a party without them. Otherwise it's just a bunch of people awkwardly standing around.

[OreoGaborio]

What do you eat when you're COLD and ANGRY?

A BRRRRRRRRRGRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Garandman]

Now that is a properly terrible joke!

[DuncanMoto]

Actually, It’s kinda cold

[loudbeard]

My son is 4 years old and has been learning Spanish but still can't say "please"

I think that's poor for four

[OreoGaborio]

William Shatner's line of women's lingerie was a failure.

Apparently naming it "Shatner Panties" wasn't a wise choice.

[Garandman]

What’s big, mean, and made of Kale?

The Inedible Hulk

[Garandman]

What’s the most populated island?

Sicily, which has five million sicillion people...

[Garandman]

Q. What is the difference between an Al Quada base and a Pakistani school?

A. I don’t know, man, I just fly the drone.

[Garandman]

“No one is going to tell me how many people I can have for Thanksgiving.”

Jeffrey Dahmer, 1991.

[OreoGaborio]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

The bartender hands him an apple.

The guy says "What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke!"

Bartender smiles & says "Just take a bite."

So, the guy bites the apple & he lights right up. "Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender just smiles, swirls his finger in the air and tells the man, "Turn it around..."

So the guy does, takes another bite. "It tastes like a coke! It's a rum and coke apple? It's a rum and coke apple! That's pretty neat!"

Another man approaches the bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender hands him an apple.

Confused, the man begins to question the bartender when the first guy pipes up. "Buddy, try the apple! TRUST ME!" as he takes another bite.

The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation, "Tonic! What is this, a tonic apple?"

The bartender just smiles, swirls his finger in the air and says "Turn it around..."

The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. "It's gin! It's really gin! A gin and tonic apple!"

The two men reveled in this discovery for a while when a dwarf walked up to the bar. The dwarf makes his way up onto a stool and as he's about to order the second man interrupts him, "Oh, hey man, order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I've got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy's got a rum and coke apple!"

The dwarf looks at everyone like they've got three heads & the bartender smiles & nods.

Dwarf says "Oh yeah? OK then... It's been a while, gimme a.... a pussy flavored apple!"

Bartender hands him an apple.

The dwarf takes a biiiiig bite and spits it out all over the bar.

"Ughyuuk!!" He cries out, "This apple tastes like shit!"

The bartender just smiles, swirls his finger in the air................. "Turn it around..."

[obsolete]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it around." So the guy does, takes another bite, and is suddenly quite pleased.

"It tastes like a coke! It's a rum and coke apple? It's a rum and coke apple! That's pretty neat, pal."

Another man approaches the bar, and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple.

Confused, the man begins to question the validity of the bartender, when the first guy reassures him, "Buddy, try the apple," and with a nod to his own, takes another bite.

The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation, "Tonic! What's this, a tonic apple?"

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells the man, "Turn it around..."

The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. "It's gin! It's really gin! A gin and tonic apple!"

The two men reveled in this discovery for a while, when a dwarf walked up to the bar, made his way onto a stool beside the men, and beckoned for the bartender. As he's about to order, the second man interrupts him, "Oh, hey man wait! You should order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I've got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy's got a rum and coke apple!"

The dwarf casts an incredulous look at the bartender, who plainly nods back in confirmation.

"Oh yeah?" He starts, "OK then, it's been a while, gimme a pussy flavored apple!"

And the bartender hands him an apple.

The dwarf takes a big, expectant bite from the apple, and immediately spits it out all over the bar.

"Ughyuuk!!" He cries out, "This apple tastes like shit!"

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells him, "Turn it around..."

Similar is the guy who can identify wood by smell.

TLDR: His friends blind fold him and he smells both sides of each board and guesses the tree species. In order to trick him they quietly have his wife lay on a table, he smells one side, she rolls over and he smells the other side. Visibly puzzled he answers "bathroom door from a tuna boat?"

[OreoGaborio]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

[Falko]

I may have already posted this one...

A string walks into a bar, bartender says, "We don't serve strings in here!"
String walks outside, twists himself all up and messes up his hair. It walks back into the bar and the bartender asks, " You a string?"
"Frayed knot..."

[Garandman]

..

[Garandman]

Q. How many bodies does it take to change a light bulb?



A. More than three, because my basement light is still out.

[PhilB]

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, it can't stand a noble."

[Garandman]

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

[number9]

A couple of days ago I sat down to watch a soccer match with my grandfather. He asked me who's playing, and I said "Austria-Hungary". "Oh" he said. He paused for a minute and then asked me, "Who are they playing against?"

[FriskyDingo]

Just tryin to help Randy out, I think he clicked the wrong thread for this post:

President Joe Biden was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Biden” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Joe replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!"
Joe paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Biden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Joe asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Biden sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Biden! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Joe. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

Fixored for ya buddy...

[Garandman]

..

[OreoGaborio]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

Bartender says "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait!" he interrupts, thinking fast, "If you do that, the politicians in Washington will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare! Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby drunk sitting at the bar stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

[OreoGaborio]

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

[Garandman]

Did he write any haiku?

[FriskyDingo]

Khams last name was Bates...