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Terrible, terrible joke.......

  1. #526
    Lifer Garandman's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......


    Roy Rogers and the mountain lion
    Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight while he commenced with the rest of his chores around the ranch.

    Later that afternoon when Roy returned home he found that a mountain lion had snuck down out of the hills and had mauled and gnawed the ever-living crap out of his new, prized boots. Well Roy was so mad he was fit to spit. He went inside and grabbed his hunting rifle and whistled for his dog Bullet. He and Bullet jumped in the ranch jeep and headed up into the hills to hunt down that no-good puma.

    Well after tramping around for a bit Bullet picked up the mountain lion's scent and before you knew it Roy had him in his sights. Well one quick shot later the dead cat was tied across the hood of the Jeep and Roy headed back down to the ranch.

    When he pulled up in front of the house his wife, Dale Evans came outside and exclaimed,

    “Pardon me Roy? Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

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    “When it comes to the kitchen, I have a narrow band of competency.”
    Master Mechanic Roger Barr in “Chasing Classic Cars.”

  2. #527
    Lifer jimmycapp's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    That joke has a minimum age requirement, and I don't meet it.

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  3. #528
    Lifer Garandman's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    A senior partner at a law firm is interviewing three highly qualified Administrative Assistants..

    He asks each the same question, “If your paycheck showed an extra $100 one week, what would you do?”

    Candidate 1 replies, “Take my boyfriend out to dinner.”
    Candidate 2 replies, “Donate it to my favorite charity.”
    Candidate 3 replies, “Call HR and report the overage immediately.”

    Q. Which one should he hire?
















    A. The one with the biggest tits.

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    “When it comes to the kitchen, I have a narrow band of competency.”
    Master Mechanic Roger Barr in “Chasing Classic Cars.”

  4. #529
    Super Moderator OreoGaborio's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    What do you call a fish with three eyes?

    Fiiish

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    -Pete LRRS/CCS #82 - ECK Racing, TonysTrackDays
    GMD Computrack Boston | Pine Motorparts/PBE Specialists | Phoenix Graphics | Woodcraft | MTag-Pirelli | OnTrack Media

    The Garage: '03 Tuono | '06 SV650

  5. #530
    Angry Gumball RandyO's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    Terrible, terrible joke.......-wed-jpg
    480-POUND WOMAN CHARGED WITH INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER AFTER HUSBAND DIED WHILE PERFORMING ORAL SEX...An Ohio woman has been sentenced to involuntary manslaughter after her spouse was found dead minutes after he had performed oral sex onto her.
    Annabelle Gaston, 28, was arrested last year after calling 911 when her husband, Irwin Gaston, 31, had a cardiac arrest while apparently being suffocated to death.
    Gaston told the 911 operator at the time that she was sitting on her husband’s face while he was giving her cunnilingus when she realized his skin had changed color.
    “We were having sex and he started eating my pussy […] I was just sitting on his face for like 25 minutes when his legs turned a greenish-blue color,” she told the 911 operator at the time, in horror. According to Gaston’s lawyer, Irwin Gaston “liked to insert his head inside my client’s vagina” and “my client warned him on multiple occasions that it was a dangerous practice” he told the judge.
    Franklin County District Court Judge Henry Miller sentenced Annabelle Gaston to 10 years and six months after he judged her sexual practices “extremely dangerous behavior” and a “completely reckless conduct” for a woman of her size.
    To prove this, the prosecutor showed documents attesting that paramedics took at least 12 minutes to release the head of Irwin Gaston from the inside of Annabelle Gaston’s genitals.
    “The time of death is estimated to be 17 minutes before the 911 call and 59 minutes after Irwin Gaston’s head was removed from the inside of the defendant’s genitals,” he said in court before delivering his sentence.
    Irwin Gaston was also hospitalized last year only weeks after the couple’s honeymoon after “large amounts of fecal matter” had entered his lungs “during oral-anal intercourse” according to a medical report presented in court.

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    RandyO
    IBA#9560
    A man with a gun is a citizen
    A man without a gun is a subject

  6. #531
    Lifer Garandman's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......


    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    “When it comes to the kitchen, I have a narrow band of competency.”
    Master Mechanic Roger Barr in “Chasing Classic Cars.”

  7. #532
    Lifer Garandman's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    While riding my motorcycle, swerved to to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new car pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a very low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay, I think", I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

    She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

    "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

    "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
    "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".

    "Don't be silly", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while until you recover from the shock, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "Still in the ditch, I guess"

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    Last edited by Garandman; 11-21-21 at 01:07 AM.
    “When it comes to the kitchen, I have a narrow band of competency.”
    Master Mechanic Roger Barr in “Chasing Classic Cars.”

  8. #533
    Super Moderator OreoGaborio's Avatar
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    Re: Terrible, terrible joke.......

    One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

    He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

    In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."

    "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

    "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, where did you get the tools?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    The guy is stunned.

    "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

    Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

    As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"

    "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

    "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

    After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

    No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes.

    He can't believe what he's hearing.

    "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You............. You've built a motorcycle???"

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    Last edited by OreoGaborio; 11-26-21 at 01:18 PM.
    -Pete LRRS/CCS #82 - ECK Racing, TonysTrackDays
    GMD Computrack Boston | Pine Motorparts/PBE Specialists | Phoenix Graphics | Woodcraft | MTag-Pirelli | OnTrack Media

    The Garage: '03 Tuono | '06 SV650

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