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time to break 1000 posts, here goes...

  1. #1
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    4 Sons
    These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
    "My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

    The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

    The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

    As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

    "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

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  2. #2
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    A Medical Problem
    An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
    "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

    Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

    "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

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  3. #3
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

    Demon: Why so glum chum?
    Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
    Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
    Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
    Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
    Guy: Gee that sounds great.

    Demon: You a smoker?
    Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
    Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
    Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

    Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
    Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
    Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

    Demon: You into drugs?
    Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
    Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
    Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

    Demon: You gay?
    Guy: Uh no.

    Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

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  4. #4
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road?
    Anderson Consultant:
    Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

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  5. #5
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Beer and Ice Cream Diet
    Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!

    As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

    For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average desser tportion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamiclaw, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

    Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

    Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

    This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

    Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

    Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

    We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

    Happy eating!

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    Brent LRRS #772
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  6. #6
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
    If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
    I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
    I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
    Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

    SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

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    Brent LRRS #772
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  7. #7
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    time to break 1000 posts, here goes...

    A Cheesy Joke
    Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorum does this illustrate?

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    Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

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    Brent LRRS #772
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  8. #8
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Condom Emergency
    President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

    "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

    "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

    "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

    "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

    "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

    "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

    "Yes?"

    "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

    "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

    "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

    "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

    "Easily done. Anything else?"

    "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

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    Brent LRRS #772
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  9. #9
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Confucius Say
    1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
    2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

    3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

    4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

    5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

    6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

    7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

    8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

    9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

    10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

    11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

    12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

    13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

    14. Man with penis in peanut butter is ------- nuts.

    15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

    16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

    17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

    18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

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  10. #10
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Dorm Rules
    On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.
    ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".

    To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"

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  11. #11
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    EuroEnglish
    The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": -- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.


    ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

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  12. #12
    Just Registered Quigs's Avatar
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  13. #13
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Surgeons talk
    Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

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  14. #14
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    The old man and the parrot
    An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

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  15. #15
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Testifying for the irs

    A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. She replied suggesting that her daughter wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to her neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your sexiest negligee, with a Vee neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

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  16. #16
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    The king's daughter
    Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
    wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
    third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

    Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?


    They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)

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  17. #17
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Little Johnny
    Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid
    in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"

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  18. #18
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    The bomb and the pilot
    3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.

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  19. #19
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Air force one and the farmer
    Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's actor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"

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  20. #20
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    The three race horses
    Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one day. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and sees a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"

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  21. #21
    Just Registered Quigs's Avatar
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    time to break 1000 posts, here goes...

    Looks like I'll hit 1000 posts too, telling you to


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    Chris Q - 2007 R1
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  22. #22
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    that damn thing is over used you unoriginal bastard!!!!

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  23. #23
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    time to break 1000 posts, here goes...

    Hey Silent1...


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  24. #24
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    I call upon the God's such that you will be maddened beyond endurance by a hundred political speeches, thou cheap Internet harpy!

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  25. #25
    Just Registered oreo_n2's Avatar
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    Tis my profound wish that you shall awake to find a gay rattlesnake in your bed, thou odious leach-covered blob of quivering slime!

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