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some funny shit

  1. #1
    live to ride
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    Nov 2005
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    hampton nh
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    42
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    26

    some funny shit

    Biker VS. Squirrel

    This was just too funny not to pass on:



    I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so

    incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more

    decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other

    common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities

    needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences

    of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for

    both groups too.



    Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late

    decisions while riding. This is called being "behind the power curve". It is a

    mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the

    situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a

    meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a

    chance to catch up.



    Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at

    least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep

    up with the machine.



    I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into

    Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways.

    Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but

    suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more

    than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here

    often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying

    attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing

    until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided

    another car that I was not even aware was there!



    Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness.all within seconds. I

    was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit,

    and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big

    residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly

    empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I

    figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to

    relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little

    did I suspect.



    As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and

    tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have

    been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was

    not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that

    close.



    I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel

    should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.



    Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!



    Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his

    hind legs and facing the oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his little

    beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and

    leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die

    you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over

    the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.



    Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought

    twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and

    tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a

    light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for

    concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!



    Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

    t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential

    street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.



    I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my

    strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into

    the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.



    That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really

    should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept

    yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one

    would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even

    an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death!



    Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the

    force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing

    impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and

    extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with

    him!



    The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were

    continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The

    combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand)

    on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist

    through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of

    a Harley can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Harley is made for,

    and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the

    pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Harley screamed in ecstasy. I

    screamed in.well.I just plain screamed.



    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

    slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe

    70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street.on one wheel and

    with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming

    bloody murder.



    With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the

    handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant

    squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's

    tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the

    throttle.my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back

    brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.



    About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention

    to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death),

    and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the

    faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my

    screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the

    squirrel however. The rpm's on The Hog maxed out (I was not concerned about

    shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the

    large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged

    torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on

    one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed

    full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.



    Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of

    my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it

    worked.sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.



    Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a

    quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some

    paperwork.



    Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

    torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at

    probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all

    his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.



    I heard screams. They weren't mine...



    I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the

    front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in

    a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.



    I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would

    have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or

    the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back

    in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly

    crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the

    street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.



    So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the

    professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I

    could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among

    shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist

    at me. I think he was shooting me the finger. That is one dangerous squirrel.



    And now he has a patrol car.



    I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and

    sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it.

    Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil,

    demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway.

    Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!

  2. #2
    Don't bother me! R7's Avatar
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    some funny shit

    Welcomed to 4 years ago

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    Yamaha

  3. #3
    Grizzly Fuckin Adams dhuze's Avatar
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    some funny shit

    Originally posted by R7
    Welcomed to 4 years ago
    Has it been that long? My how time flies.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    You suck at life. Why don't you quit?

    My dad told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up. So I became an Asshole.

  4. #4
    I Dance With Will
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    some funny shit

    i read that in 02.

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    "fuckit!"

  5. #5
    I pick things up.... mzdagrl's Avatar
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    some funny shit

    well, it's still funny for those who haven't read it before.

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    Executive Distributor - ItWorks! Global
    All-Natural Health, Wellness and Beauty www.kchristian.myitworks.com Supplements, Skin Care, Energy Drinks, and MORE!
    If you run into a wall with a helmet on, you still ran into a wall.

  6. #6
    Tie me up not down Jaynnus's Avatar
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    some funny shit

    4 years later and it's still too long to read

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    MSF RiderCoach
    MSF Dirt Bike School Coach


    Quote Originally Posted by 5TOEZ View Post
    #5 Hangout w/Jaynnus................
    she rides like the wind
    & smells good too.
    PKism: you don't count, you're just a guy with indoor plumbing

  7. #7
    Just Registered ChrisNoF4i's Avatar
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    some funny shit

    Originally posted by Jaynnus
    4 years later and it's still too long to read
    What do you have the ADD Jane? I was reading an article about that in the New England Journal of Medicine last week and it said that the best thing.... hey look - a bunny rabbit!!

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    Support the Troops! (Except for Mondo, that guy's a dick)
    -----------------------------------------------------

  8. #8
    Grizzly Fuckin Adams dhuze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    woonsocket ri
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    some funny shit

    Originally posted by Jaynnus
    4 years later and it's still too long to read
    Get the cliff notes.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    You suck at life. Why don't you quit?

    My dad told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up. So I became an Asshole.

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