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This is stolen from the NEAR EX500 list, with permission. I got a kick out of it, and quite a bit of it could very well have been pointed at me. Maybe you guys will get a chuckle as well.
Whoo-hoo all you denizens of the Pacific northwe... I mean, the Northeast ... the sun is out!
You want to race? Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused snowmobile hauler for a 3-rail motorcycle trailer that came in a box from Northern Tools.
So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey! - maybe it would be cool to finally get that racing license?
Well, let's keep in mind that the sun comes out every year for the millions of us that live up here, and just like every year before, dozens of you squids/mid-life-crisis-sufferers/clueless-fucktards finally noticed. Please remember when you log into a forum, with your oh-so-fresh-faced enthusiasm, that the lifers in that forum were thinking about racing all winter long, squirrelling away stuff they bought cheap on eBay, and actually started racing before you took the barely-used ski rack off your car.
Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside, but that you're already way behind the pack? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for motorcycle racing? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D & red-mist starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.
WEB POINTERS:
We don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing we can tell from the email you just posted is that you sound hamfisted at the controls ... AND clueless about it. We don't care how tall you are, or what you rode when you commuted to college. In 1994. We don't care. We've seen every bike under the sun on the track, and they all have two possible speeds: "StayAwayFromThatDweeb Slow", and "Fast." Fast bikes mean good riders, so we don't have to stay away from them, as the person sitting on it takes care of that all by him/herself. Slow bikes - meaning a bike that COULD be Fast but for the fact that an idiot (you) is riding it -- disgust us.
In other words, it doesn't matter what you ride, just how you ride it. (Remember that, as it is THE cardinal rule about respect and credibility at the track.)
No, we don't know how much a good used bike will cost you. For some, spending $1500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $1,500 won't buy their yearly engine rebuild. You really need to have an idea of what you want before you ask, because every one of you new dingbats "doesn't have a lot of disposable cash right now". It's the economy, stupid -- we've read about it, too. In fact, we're racing less, stretching our tires for an extra race or two, and stopped going to Starbucks a long time ago. You, on the other hand, are probably reading this in a Starbucks, which in itself says enough: You're either so wealthy you shouldn't be wasting our limited potential to put up with your newbie crap with questions about finances, or a dilletante that would be better served going to a 1-day MSF course and calling it good for this year.
FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:
Just because you think it should exist, doesn't mean that it should. I know that to you, a Vulcan 1800 motor in a GSXR frame makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that A) actually has a chance of getting you on the track sometime this decade, and B) has a class to be competitive in. Likewise, putting almost ANY chrome part sold in a display case at your dealer on the bike: It screams "squid" to us, and makes us think of Slow bikes, and you know how we feel about them already, don't you?
If some twat on a message board somewhere says that you can use the wheels from his 1-gen Kawi on your 3rd-gen Suzuki with just a simple part you can machine in seconds, ask yourself: Why isn't he including that part? Or why not find people who actually race that exact model and ask them? Oh wait, you're still at Starbucks, aren't you?
Please listen to me on this one point, as I really do have your best interests at heart: Someone has already figured it out, and is going crazy Fast. Go find them, and observe. Get to the track for a weekend expecting to do nothing more but wander around and soak up info. Ask a few questions, then get out of our way so we can concentrate on doing what we came to the track to do, which is go crazy Fast, not listen to your fascinating story about scouring parts on eBay based on something you read on a forum - of twats, and the opportunists that feed on them.
We love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a single in the off-season. That does not mean however, that we share your enthusiasm; ergo unless it has a happy ending -- meaning, the bike is Fast -- we don't care. You figured out why that ABC swingarm and that XYZ axle didn't work together? Good for you. Made a new spacer from bar stock? Awesome. Still, unless it's Fast, don't bring that lumbering piece of shite anywhere near my practice sessions. While I'm at it, you singles people scare us all a little. We've gotten used to 'tards, but any bikes from Eastern-bloc countries are suspect. We've seen the fit & finish, and watched too many of them DNF.
Your project is like those dull little grade-school "safety" scissors ... they are painful to watch someone use, and don't work well for a person with normal-sized hands, but it's all good because only kids will use them, making their little creations. You are the kids in this scenario. Go out and sit on some real bikes at the local dealer. Beg/borrow rides from your friends. Find one that fits you, because your fancified idea of marrying parts is about as carefully thought out as your marriage, and look how THAT has turned out.
By the way, have you told your wife yet that you're going racing? You DID? Did her eyes roll? Do they roll when she tells her friends?
Just warning you ... reparations will be due. It will probably involve a plane flight to visit family you'd rather not see.
SO YOU'RE FINALLY GONNA BUY A RACEBIKE:
Good for you! Racing is awesome. It's exciting, thrilling, and extremely rewarding in all sorts of ways. (Very few of them monetary, mind you.) I want you to race, I really do. To that end, I'm here to help you.
* Your co-worker that's "really into riding" knows fuck all about racing. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right motorcycle. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you.
* Racing "your FIRST bike": Being originally made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has raced that twin or UJM in years is because it's shit. It was shit 3 decades ago, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's as it sat in the back of a garage, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, it won't make a good racebike. It's still shit, just with new rubber. Everything else is as shitty as it was in the '80's. They were all shitty, some just less covered in it.
* The only thing from your childhood that was geniunely good is Bugs Bunny cartoons,* and they were actually made in your dad's childhood.
REALITY CHECKS:
You're not going to be a famous racer. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. Either your dad would be here asking these question for you - because you're 8 - or you're 20+ years old and it's therefore too late. Lose the dream, it ain't going to happen.
No, really. Be happy if you get on the podium in an Expert race. Heck, we'll be impressed if you stick around long enough to even advance to Expert.
You want a racebike that fits you perfectly, goes really fast, is good for that once-a-year endurance race you read about that you want to do at the end of this summer (snicker), crashes well, is competitive in 3-4 classes, and costs less than $3000. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap, or easy to maintain. Pick two, and we're all good.
ABOUT YOUR PLANS:
Your plans are amazing. Sure are. No one else has plans that are so sensible. Nope. Never see THAT around here.
But I have no idea how long you will be able to use this bike. Right now I give you only slightly more cred than I do to the high-school kid sweeping up at McDonald's. He's not swift enough to handle the register, and you just asked me what kind of brake fluid you should use. Most likely, your wife is going to give you a look after the 3rd or 4th time you come home from leaving her home with the kids all weekend, and the bike is going to sit in the garage all winter, all NEXT summer, and then you'll sell it for a huge loss. Don't say I didn't tell you so. Or go ahead, when I pick it up in November.
The holidays are just around the corner, so you'll be spending that money on the plane flight.
BTW, as soon as you sell it to me -- literally, at the moment the money changes hands -- the bike will change from Slow to Fast. At that point, you'll know that you're not a racer. And I'll know you know it, and that you know that I know it.
I hope this helps, and have fun this summer getting on the track!
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Originally Posted by "Dangerous" Dan K
ULSB Expert AND Amatuer National Champion bikes as a matter of fact. 