[highsider]

I'm going to be the best man at a wedding this afternoon, and I just finished the speech - anyone see any really awful things I should omit?:

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - I must admit, I am more nervous about being best man than I was last year as the groom at my own wedding. Maybe it’s because I have been married to Amy’s sister for a year and I know what Jason is in for!

Amy is ambitious, industrious, highly-motivated and loves a challenge. And Jason is that challenge. I think the one quality that Amy really loves in Jason is his spirit. Which, not coincidentally, is the only part of his body that has not yet been broken.

Amy and Jason recently became homeowners. And they have done some lovely remodeling inside the house, which Jason says is due to lots banging and screwing.


Jason, I want to give you some rules for being married to a Gregory girl.
Rule one: Amy is always right.
Rule two: When Amy is wrong, refer to rule one.

I read somewhere in a wedding-planning type book that you should pick for a best man someone with dignity, poise, and a sense of humor. Ladies and Gentlemen, please don’t hold Jason’s lack of judgment against him.

It’s now my pleasure to propose the toast to Mr. and Mrs. Lashelle, and to their daughter Lydia. To the health, happiness, and banging and screwing at the homestead.





Oh yeah, some background - Jason was the best man at my wedding, and his wife to be is my wife's sister.

[OreoGitorio]

"And they have done some lovely remodeling inside the house, which Jason says is due to lots banging and screwing."

maybe change that to

"And they have done some lovely remodeling inside (if applicable, throw in "and outside") the house, which, according to Jason took quite a bit of banging and screwing... Funny how Amy didn't quite have the same story... (and if you're feeling like takin a risk... ) She wasn't happy when she found out he was doing all that w/o her"


"Rule one: Amy is always right.
Rule two: When Amy is wrong, tuck it between your legs & refer to rule one."


and move the paragraph about picking the best man & bad judgment above the paragraph that has the good stuff about Amy.

[highsider]

Originally posted by OreoGaborio

and move the paragraph about picking the best man & bad judgment above the paragraph that has the good stuff about Amy.

Thats a good idea, thanks Pete.

[beet]

every 1 asked me 2 say a few words
so i told Jim. jim your a hell of a guy but your marrying a BITCH

[Honclfibr]

Well this seems pretty cut and dry up to a point. Given that this fellow spoke as the best man at your wedding, you are certainly entitled, and some might even say obligated, to be just as offensive and demeaning as Jason was in his wedding speech to you. Beyond that, well it gets fuzzy. If you were single I'd say shoot for the moon, but especially given that your wife is the bride-to-be's sister it's not just going to be his sex life you're ruining and you should probably try to avoid raising the bar much beyond where it has been set, stick to the beaten path lest you be forced to beat your own.

Bearing in mind of course that this advice is being given by someone who is quite single and still pretty well convinced that girls in fact have cooties.

[highsider]

Trust me, his speech was very similar.

It started "Fornication (big pause)......like this, I wanted to say a few words..."

And ended "May all your ins and outs and ups and downs be between the sheets."

[hessogood]

If I ever have to give a speach, i'm stealing Mitch's and I'm gonna be so wasted when I do it that I'll fall down.

"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend... "

Wait...this one's better

You know love is a great thing, full of wonderful feelings you may be uh, well, deep down, feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. You might not feel different. I don't feel different now that I'm married. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, are we not?!?

[OreoGitorio]

great flick

[bump909]

Good luck Hghsider.. I've done two speeches because I am just that awesome.

Old School rocks my fuggin socks..

Frank - Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

[FazerChic]

Originally posted by Honclfibr
Bearing in mind of course that this advice is being given by someone who is quite single and still pretty well convinced that girls in fact have cooties.

I just about fell off my chair from laughing so hard!!

[highsider]

Its 2:07 am, just got home.

I left out the part about the banging and screwing. Nobody kicked me in the ass, and I think people laughed.

I am drunk. More tomorrow.