[Half Squid]

Long But Damn Funny!!!


HER EMAIL:


Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off. I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth


HIS REPLY:

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill, cum-guzzling blonde, who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some Bridge & Tunnel chick who comes out to spend the night at my place, even though she's seeing someone else in New Jersey, and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class, you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

[FazerChic]

That's freakin' AWESOME!!

[JeffL]

Totally awesome.

[Jaynnus]

[OreoGitorio]

[neuthunder]

... and i'll drink to that, nice work

[Sbk12rs]

Whats her phone number ???

[katana0215]

if that is real, its awesome

[hessogood]

Ha, reminds me of one of my very own breakups....ah the memories.

[legalspeed]

Originally posted by hessogood
Ha, reminds me of one of my very own breakups....ah the memories.

Hey, I've been dying to ask, how was the plane ride home?

[mikeb]

nice so if i date this bitch i should expect everytime she gets lit she's going to go porno and bang everybody maybe i could rent her out

[FireFly]

That reponse was F#@kin PRICELeSS!!!!!

[Rice-rocket1]

Originally posted by FireFly
That reponse was F#@kin PRICELeSS!!!!!

Have to teach these new people that editing thier posts is not allowed......

[FireFly]

(thier post) Their post.
Bust my balls and so too your balls shall be busted

[Rice-rocket1]

Originally posted by FireFly
(thier post) Their post.
Bust my balls and so too your balls shall be busted

It's all good.

[Legion1440]

That is funny on so many levels.

[hessogood]

Originally posted by legalspeed
Hey, I've been dying to ask, how was the plane ride home?

ha! I slept the whole way, didn't say two words AND I didn't share my armrest!

[legalspeed]

Originally posted by hessogood
ha! I slept the whole way, didn't say two words AND I didn't share my armrest!

You dirty dogg!

J to the Dogg strikes again.

[SVRACER01]

did you bring that girl(s) with you to Daytona? something BAD happened huh? did you guys have a tiff?

[hessogood]

Originally posted by SVRACER01
did you bring that girl(s) with you to Daytona? something BAD happened huh? did you guys have a tiff?

No tiff, she was just rude and annoying so we tried to spend as little time with her as possible. She banged a few racers while we were down there though. I hope she got knocked up.

[SWEET_Z]

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate.

BWAHAHA!!! I can't wait for an opportunity to use that one...

[TIMMYDUCK]

Awesome, true love on a night out.
P.S. I hope he keeps the shades.

[ChrisNoF4i]

Another Fun Fictitious Exchange of Letters:

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been awful. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away toWest Virginiatogether! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

HIS REPLY:


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman
is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to
drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did
notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me
to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt
that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the
lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets
toJamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for
a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich and Free!

[Uncle Snake]

Letter to ex wife....

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she'snot hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan

[Half Squid]

I needed that good laugh!
Both are those are great!