[Uncle Snake]

What separates five female nymphomaniacs from two alcoholics? The plane's cockpit door.

A chicken farmer walked into a bar and sat down next to a woman who was drinking champagne, and he ordered the same. He turned to her and said, "I'm drinking the good stuff because I'm celebrating."
The woman said, "Me too."
As they clinked glasses, the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
She said, "For years my husband and I have been trying to have a baby. Today I found out I'm pregnant."
"What a coincidence," the man said. "I'm a farmer. For years all my chickens were infertile, but today they're finally pregnant."
"That's great," the woman said. "How did they become fertile?"
"I switched roosters," he replied.
"What a coincidence," the woman said. "So did I."

The increased use of Viagra by seniors created a demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that age group. So the makers of K Y jelly developed Oil of Old Lay.

A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.
One girl raised her hand and said, "The mumps are contagious."
"Very good," the teacher said. "Would anyone else like to try?"
A boy raised his hand and said, "Our next door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious."

What is the definition of confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next."

A teenage girl returned home from school and asked her mother "Is it true that babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
The mother replied, "Yes, dear."
The daughter said, "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock out all my teeth?"

A man received a notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting with the IRS agent. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor."
The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer advised, "Show them you're a professional. Wear your best suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked for his advice. "Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said. "A woman was getting married. She asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mom said, `Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But her best friend said, `Wear a sexy negligee."'
The man asked, "What does this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The rabbi replied, "The lesson is that no matter what you wear, you're going to get fucked."

A couple visited a sex therapist, who asked the wife, "What's your main complaint about your sex life?"
She replied, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The therapist asked the husband, "Is this true?"
He replied, "Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does."

An ant and an elephant got married. After they had sex, the elephant had a heart attack and died. "Crap,"
the ant said. "Five minutes of passion and now the rest of my life digging a grave."

Three politicians in a bar were discussing where they liked their wives to be during sex. The Republican said, "On the bottom, of course, as God intended."
The Independent said, "I see nothing wrong with the woman being on top."
The Democrat said, "I prefer my wife to be out of town."

What do you Call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

The U.S. ambassador to France invited Jacques Chirac and his wife over for dinner. As they ate, the ambassador's wife said to Chirac's wife, "I hear you two are going on vacation in the Caribbean. It must be nice to get away."
"Yes I look forward to a week of a penis," Mrs. Chirac replied.
A hush fell over the table. President Chirac leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze Americans pronounce zat word `appiness.' "

Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven. They were met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter, who said, "Sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that I'm granting you six more months on earth as anyone you want to be."
The first nun said, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and poof, she was gone.
The second nun said, "I want to be Madonna " and poof, she was gone.
The third said, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." Saint Peter looked perplexed. "Who?" he asked.
"Sara Pipalini," replied the nun.
Saint Peter shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, but that name isn't familiar to me."
The nun took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to Saint Peter. He read the paper and began to laugh. Handing it back to her he said, "No, sister, the paper says it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.

An ambassador went on a goodwill trip to Papua New Guinea. The tribal chief said, "It is customary that visitors play New Guinea roulette."
"What's that?" the ambassador asked.
The chief pointed toward six beautiful naked women.
All were kneeling and licking their lips suggestively.
The ambassador unzipped his pants and said, "If this is what I think it is, I'm going to like New Guinea roulette."
"Be careful, ambassador," his bodyguard warned. "It's called roulette because one of them is a cannibal."

What is the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

Two women, a blonde and a brunette, were eating breakfast. A cell phone rang several times. The brunette asked, "Why don't you answer your phone?"
The blonde said, `It can't be mine. No one knows I'm here."

Two men were sitting at a bar and staring into their drinks. One guy got a curious look on his face and asked his friend, "Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
The friend said, "Yep. I've been married to one for 15 years."

A couple had been married 50 years. The wife asked her husband what he wanted for their anniversary. He replied "I'd like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we've been married, you've never given me a blowjob."
She said, "It's just that I'm afraid you won't respect me afterward."
He replied, "Won't respect you afterward? We have been married for 50 years. Of course I'll respect you."
"Okay," she said. "I'll do it just this one time." So she knelt down and gave him oral sex.
An hour later the phone rang. The husband yells to his wife "Hey cocksucker, would you get that....

[need4speed]

[FireFly]

What do you call A dirty-blonde doing a hand stand?
A Brunette with bad Breath. Za ..ZiNG!!!