[Uncle Snake]

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something
of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to
standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
the other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing
machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
--like a root canal or a vasectomy!!

[mikeb]

[MissTwisties]

[SVRACER01]

However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.



LMFAO!!