[KillBill]

The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[KillBill]

Anything You Want

One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

[Stoneman]

What do you do with a Giraffe with 3 balls?























Walk him and pitch to the elephant!

[Stoneman]

If you had a 10" penis growing straight out from your forehead, how much of it could you see?












None of it. Your balls would be hanging in your eyes!

[nilez]

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[nilez]

Little Johnny's at it again!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
-----------------
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
----------------
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
------------------------
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
----------------------------
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ."

[nilez]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.

DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.





my jokes are getting weaker, I know....

[KillBill]

[nilez]

buuuutttt I'm not done yet...




I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I had to amputate your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and isn amed "Ahmal." the other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahtma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[R1slowflyer]

these are weak but i cant stop laughing!

i am dumb!

[nilez]

as Stewie states in Family Guy: Blue Harvest

"I left a darth doodoo in my diaper.
My diaper has gone over to the dark side.
I Sithed my pants.

I got pages of these [bad jokes]..."

[R1slowflyer]

Originally Posted by nilez

as Stewie states in Family Guy: Blue Harvest

"I left a darth doodoo in my diaper.
My diaper has gone over to the dark side.
I Sithed my pants.

I got pages of these [bad jokes]..."

I sithed my pants, WTF

[tonup]

Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[Doc]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."



.....You're gonna love this.........



The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate"

[Doc]

A crusty old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Crash Dummy Denno]

terrible

going great until that

[Doc]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?

[Doc]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes - just caffeine"


"Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes, he says. I was in Iraq for two years."


The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"


The guy says, "Yes 100%... an IED exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."


The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K., In that case, I can hire
you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start to
morrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10 AM every day."


The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,
why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"


"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first
two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

[KillBill]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a
near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked,
" Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement,
boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years?
Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"

God replied,
"Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

[mmracer37]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered : "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker".

Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer".

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little".

Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
some cookies.

Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy ask, "Can your p ecker touch your ass?"

G ramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass".

The little boy replies, "Then go fuck yourself". Grandma made these
for me".

[MissTwisties]

Originally Posted by mmracer37

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered : "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker".

Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer".

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little".

Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
some cookies.

Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy ask, "Can your p ecker touch your ass?"

G ramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass".

The little boy replies, "Then go fuck yourself". Grandma made these
for me".

haha! Good one. But it's not Saturday.

[mmracer37]

Originally Posted by MissTwisties

haha! Good one. But it's not Saturday.

Sometimes ya just gotta break the rules!

[Crash Dummy Denno]

nice

[Uncle Snake]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his

penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.



Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing

that?".



She replies: "Because I really miss mine".

[Crash Dummy Denno]

Originally Posted by Stoneman

What do you do with a Giraffe with 3 balls?























Walk him and pitch to the elephant!

still my favorite