[FireFly]

[NEWTREADS]

Democratic bumper sticker Barack Obama 1/2 honkey all donkey.

[NEWTREADS]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.'He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings
over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have
a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob
follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone
else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this
time."

[Uncle Snake]

What a day!
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[mmracer37]

Originally Posted by Uncle Snake

What a day!
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[nilez]

Alright, I'm sending this thread back to the "bad" side of the jokes...


What's the original spelling of Canada?

...

Cnd



The Cannucks just f*cked it up every time they tried to spell it because they'd say, "C, eh?, n, eh?, d, eh?"

[Uncle Snake]

No, here's bad.....

Q. Why don't you go down on a woman in the morning after you banged her??

A. Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich??

[Ericthejet]

Originally Posted by nilez

Alright, I'm sending this thread back to the "bad" side of the jokes...


What's the original spelling of Canada?

...

Cnd



The Cannucks just f*cked it up every time they tried to spell it because they'd say, "C, eh?, n, eh?, d, eh?"

We've been telling that joke for years back home, classic.

[mmracer37]

I knew a guy that couldn’t spell. He paid 50 bucks to spend a night in a warehouse.......

[mmracer37]

if a girl with big boobs works at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?






I HOP

[KillBill]

If a stork brings white babies
and a blackbird brings black babies
what brings no babies?
A GOOD SWALLOW!

[nilez]

Cat with a stuttering problem...........

A teacher was talking about science to her third grade students. 'Human
beings are the only animals that stutter,' she said.

A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty. The Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it he jumped
over the fence into our yard.'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back real high and
went 'Fffff! Fffff! Fffff!...' And before he could say 'Fuck!' the
Rottweiler ate him.'

[nilez]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian,
Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left
the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom
window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No." Then they said "All patrols were busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds
ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you
don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he
hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)
I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people.

[MattyC]

[NEWTREADS]

Kid asks his father. Dad what does a vagina look like?
Dad stutters. Um well there is 2 different kinds.
Kid asks what kinds.
Dad says well theres the before sex and after sex.
Kid says what does the before look like.
Dad says like a pink rose petal in the morning dew.
Well then whats the after look like?



Like a bulldog eating mayonaise.

[KillBill]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob isn't getting rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee, is there?
__________________

[R1slowflyer]

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom,
look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go
show your father".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira, abuelita, I'm a
white boy " His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back
to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I
already hate you Mexicans."

[R1slowflyer]

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium(Gv),has one neutron,25 assistant neutrons,88 deputy neutrons,and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic weight of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons. it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact with.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This critical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
__________________

[R1slowflyer]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to
Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post
turtle" was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post
turtle".

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he
doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up
there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in
the first place."

[nilez]

Originally Posted by R1slowflyer

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to
Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post
turtle" was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post
turtle".

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he
doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up
there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in
the first place."

F*CKIN HILARIOUS

[R1slowflyer]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,cowboy, I think it
only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'...
__________________

[nilez]

it's FRIDAY! BUMP!

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, She heard A
strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real
workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what In The World Are You Doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to A husband. Please, go
away and leave me alone.

The next day, The girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever
get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
from of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed
her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at
the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'what The Hell Are You Doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.

[OreoGitorio]

[SVRACER01]

teacher asks the class to draw a picture on the board one piece at a time to see what they could make.
-the first student draws a line and says its the ground

-the next student draws a few lines and says its a house

-the next student puts snow on the roof

-next student draws a sun over the house

-and then little johnny wants to draw. johnny is a bad student and the teacher checks the picture and thinks that there is nothing he can do to make it gross so she reluctantly lets him. johnny does his drawing and says...

"its my dad bending over in the shower to pick up the soap!"

[CitizenFrye]

What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting??










Only takes one nail to hang a painting..

Yes I'm going to burn for that...