[R1slowflyer]

So three guys were in the jungle and were captured by a wild
tribe.
When they get to the camp, the chief says,"We will let u live,
if you can do a task. if you fail, we will kill you. The first thing you
need to do is get 10 of a kind of fruit. any fruit. then come see
us."

so the first guy comes back with 10 apples, and the chief
says,"now shove them all up your ass without making a sound." so
the guy gets to the 3rd apple and he grunts. so they kill him,
and he floats up to heaven.

now the 2nd guy comes back with 10 grapes and the chief says the
same thing. so the guy gets in 9 grapes. Then he suddenly bursts
out laughing. so they kill him too and he goes up to heaven.

when he gets up there the first guy asked,"why did you start laughing,
you almost made it." and the second guy says,"I would have. but i
laughed when i saw the other guy coming back with pineapples."

[bigred875]

no

[DucDave]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[brewmaster]

Why don't cannibals like eating divorced women?


They are too bitter.

[Evil_Weasel]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

[l3uddha]

lets make tomorrow "get a life sunday"

[Evil_Weasel]

Originally Posted by l3uddha

lets make tomorrow "get a life sunday"

i've got a race season to prepare for....i can't afford a life.

oh well, sacrifices must be made...it wasn't much of a life anyway.

[R1slowflyer]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
unique up on it.


How do you catch a tame rabbit?
tame way unique up on it.


What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall?
DAM!


How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lets go for a bike ride.


A teacher is giving a lecture on involuntary body movements
he looks at a girl and says
"for example, what do you think your asshole is doing when you have an orgasm?"
She looks at the teacher and says,
"Whats my asshole doing when i have an orgasm?"

"He's deer hunting with his buddies!"


Two guys are golfing and they are on the 9th green when a funeral precession drives by,
One of the golfers stops mid swing, takes off his hat and bows his head in a moment of silence,
The other golfer looks at his buddy and says
"That had to be the most thoughtful thing i have ever seen"
The other says
"We were married for 35 years its the least i could do."

[R1slowflyer]

Nixon Clinton and JFK are on a plane when suddenly the plane starts to plummet towards the ground
JFK says "Lets give all the parachutes to the women and children"
Nixon says "Fuck the women and children"
Clinton says "Do we have enough time?"

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[KillBill]

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says,"Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey f*cked a penguin, Dopey f*cked a penguin!"

[MissTwisties]

don't know why this thread is called bad jokes, but they certainly made me crack a few laughs! Thank you, keep them coming.

[KillBill]

You asked for it Miss Twisties

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female.

"Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[l3uddha]

Originally Posted by KillBill

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

i thought whales have to swallow

[Stoneman]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar...

[Stoneman]

A teacher's teaching her young class about senses. This particular lesson was about taste. She took one of her students, put a blindfold on him and placed a Hersey Kiss in his mouth. The idea was for him to guess what it was, but he couldn't figure it out. For a hint, the teacher told him it was something his mother gave to his father every night when he got home from work. Just then a voice from the back of the room yelled out, '...oh no Timmy, quick spit it out! It's shit!'

[Stoneman]

A third grader angrily tells his dad that he's been suspended from school. The dad, more than shocked by this demands an explanation...

'Well,' says the kid 'we were working on our multiplication and the teacher asked me what 8 x 4 was. So I said 4 x 8 is 32. The teacher told me it was wrong'

The father, rather puzzled asked why it was wrong and why he got in trouble for it...

The kid starts to explain. 'She told me the problem was 8 x 4, NOT 4 x 8'...

'8 x 4, 4 x 8' the father interupts, 'what's the fuckin' difference???'

'Yeah,' the kid says, 'that's EXACTLY what I asked her!'

[KillBill]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you
be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & begora; it's a small world. So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"

The oth er guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head &
mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Doc]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

[Doc]

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3
pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their
mugs.

The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly
removes the fly from his brew.

The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly
away with a finger.

The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says,
"Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out now, Spit it out!!!"

[Doc]

It was late one night when a man walked into a bar. He sat
down and asked the bartender to bring him a beer. The
bartender did and the man quickly drank down the beer, then
looked into his pocket, sighed, and asked the bartender for
another beer. Once he received this beer, the man again
drank it down and looked into his pocket again, sighed, and
ordered another beer.

This went on for quite some time and each time the man
finished a beer he would look into his pocket and then order
another. Now the bartender had gotten curious and said, "Hey
man, how come every time you drink a beer you look into your
pocket?"


The man replied, "Well.....I have a picture of my wife in my
pocket and I keep on drinking until she looks good, and then
I go home."

[newgixxerchic]

Originally Posted by R1slowflyer

So three guys were in the jungle and were captured by a wild
tribe..."

I guess this is what happens when your gf is kicking your ass in all the video games you ever played...

That joke is still just as painful as the first time you told it to me.

[Stoneman]

A priest and a rabbi, who were close friends were skinny dipping in local pond on afternoon. Just as they were getting out to gather their clothes, a group of hikers wandred by. Startled, the priest covered his package while the rabbi covered his face...

'Why is it Rabbi Klein, that when that group came upon us you covered your face up?' asked the priest...

'Well you see Father,' explained the rabbi 'in my congregation they recognize me by my face'

[KillBill]

Originally Posted by Stoneman

A priest and a rabbi, who were close friends were skinny dipping in local pond on afternoon. Just as they were getting out to gather their clothes, a group of hikers wandred by. Startled, the priest covered his package while the rabbi covered his face...

'Why is it Rabbi Klein, that when that group came upon us you covered your face up?' asked the priest...

'Well you see Father,' explained the rabbi 'in my congregation they recognize me by my face'

[ceo012384]

What do you call four mexicans in quicksand?








Quattro cinco.

[Devil1]

What's the sexiest animal on a farm?


















Bow chika Brown Cowwww!