What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Q: What do 7 out of 8 people enjoy?
A: A gang-bang.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him. His hair was spiked and every color of the rainbow.
He glanced over at the old man who was staring fixedly at him. The old man continued to stare and the teenager stared back. Finally, the teenager got pissed off and stood up asking "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything crazy in your lifetime? You have a problem with my hair?" Without missing a beat the old man replied "Nope, it's just that I got drunk once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I have a date with an oriental girl tonight... one of the few times a guy doesn't mind wearing a thai.
little susie came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mom, "frankie showed me his weenie today at the playground". before her mom could say a word susie went on to say,"it reminded me of a peanut." relaxing with a smile, susie's mom asked, "really? it was small?" susie said, "no, it was salty."
The Perfect Man: Frank Feldman
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and he could play the piano like Liberace. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
A small group of gay guys went skinny dipping and a wad of jizz went floating by. Everyone screamed in unison "Who farted".
I think someone doesn't get the concept of this thread.
They're supposed to be terrible, terrible jokes... not shitty jokes.
Heading into work on the train
Saw this beautiful Thai chick with a mini skirt and fishnets
Hoped no-one would get a hardon but she did.
A man walks in to a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his 10 year old daughter,
The pharmacist asks, "Your daughter is sexual active?"
The man replies, "Sexually active? She just lies there crying!"
What's white on top and black on the bottom?
What's black on top and white on the bottom?
Why are black people so fast?
Because the slow ones are in jail.
What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
Who ordered the 2 jumbos?
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
An upset boy is sat on a fallen tree when an old man comes over and asks, "Why are you so upset?"
The boy replies, "My house burned down, my Mom was raped and my Dad was thrown off a building."
The man, who was now unzipping his fly, "Well today just isn't your lucky day."
What do you call a black person with no arms?
But you're OK with jokes about a father raping his daughter, a boy being raped, and a joke about 9/11. But you draw the line at a black joke? Piss off.
Last edited by idratherberidin; 08-07-12 at 06:51 PM.
Last edited by OreoGaborio; 08-09-12 at 05:56 AM.
A father and a son are sitting on a beach. A priest walks by and the dad says, "Hey! Get out of my sun!"
What's brown and sticky?
How do you know your at a Gay cook out??
All the hot dogs taste like shit!!!
I heard a joke once about a shipwreck. I heard it way back when a model named Trippa Sands was the woman in the posters on the walls of teenage boys. The cover girl of cover girls, the paragon of sexiness. She is on vacation on a big cruise ship that hits a reef in the Caribbean and sinks. She washes up on a desert island with my buddy Jed. The only survivors. They wash up onto the beach, the waves christen them with foam, they are in tatters, mostly naked, and they look into each other's eyes with the dawning apprehension of their unique solitude, and love hits them like a falling coconut. They fall hopelessly. Luckily, the island is replete with low hanging fruit and sweet fresh water, and oysters and fish that jump into their woven baskets, so that sustaining themselves is a breeze and they have a lot of leisure time just to gaze into each other's eyes and make the kind of fierce love I imagine an apocalypse affords. About a week into it Jed says, Tripp?
Ahh. Hmmm. Yes, my fragrant studliness.
I have a favor to ask you.
Of course, my sandbrushed power drill. Anything. For you.
Can you wear my cowboy hat for a few days?
Oh sure, why not!
Next day he says, Trippa?
I have a favor to ask you.
Anything my little mango.
Can you use a bit of this charcoal and draw on a moustache?
Hmm. Well for you, you big Cumquat, anything.
Next day they've just made love nonstop for an entire tide cycle. They are sitting on a tortoiseshell bench watching a thunderstorm sweep over the azure water, Trippa in her hat and moustache, and Jed says, Hun?
Um, can I call you Joe?
Well, ah sure, you plunging hammerhead shark you.
Jed grabs her and shakes her shoulders.
Joe! he cries. Joe! Joe! I'm fucking Trippa Sands!
^ BOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo. Sorry Dave, that joke took way too long to read for a joke with a shitty punch line... Hmm, guess the joke's on me
I could never do that to you. You are my world, my light, my night in shining armor, my everything. I love you, Brian. Marry me.
JK, you're fucking ugly.