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(no offense to the ladies!)
My daughter comes to me with this:
How to confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to go stand in the corner.
How to kill a blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff at the bottom of the pool and tell her to go sniff it. :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTwisties
FIXED. :mrgreen:
but to keep this thread on the blonde theme rather the Helen Keller theme (which there are plenty of jokes for either topic), I'll shoot it back w/ a blonde joke...
A brunette, redhead, and blonde jump off a building to commit suicide, who hits the ground last?
the blonde. she had to stop and ask for directions.
Why did the blond fail driver's ed?
Every time the car stopped, she jumped in the back seat.
Why can't blonds make Kool-Aid?
They can't figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in to that little packet.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde rob a bank and flee to the countryside with the cash, the police hot on their heels. They spot a big red barn and go inside, look around for somewhere to hide, but see nothing, so they climb the ladder to the loft. The brunette spies three burlap sacks big enough to fit each of them, she picks the nearest up and says, "Quick, each of you get in your own sack and just be silent and don't move!"
Well, in come the police officers, they look around on the ground level and see nothing the girls could be hiding in, so they climb up to the loft. The fat cop sees the first burlap sack and kicks it. The brunette, thinking quick, makes a "ROOF! ROOF! ROOF!" sound. He exclaims, "ooh, I don't want to hurt the puppies," and he moves to the second sack and kicks it. The red head, again thinking quickly and following the brunette's lead, gives a "MEOW, MEOW, MEOW," sound. The officer shreeks, "ouch, I hurt the kittens!" He moves on to the third sack and kicks it.... he hears, "POTATOES!"
come on R1slowflyer... where are ya? I know you got some.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,cowboy, I think it
only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'...
Why is TGIF on a blone's shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Speaking of TGIF..... A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F!".Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian675
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T".
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
Again, he smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible "T-G-I-F".
Again, the man replied, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F? Thank Goodness It's Friday?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T? Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday?"
Q: What did the mom say to her blonde daughter before a date?
A: If your not in bed by 12 come home.
What do blondes and bowling balls have in common?
1. They both have three holes to stick your fingers in.
2. You throw them in the gutter and they keep coming back for more.
What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747.
Four exuberant blondes walk into a bar....
They come up to the bar, order five bottles
of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up
their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more
blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days,
51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her
arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender
can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the
center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the
frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all
the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten
of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box
said 2-4 years, but we put it together in only 51 days!"
Why did the blonde steal a police car?
She saw 9-1-1 on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
Back to Hellen Keller:
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
.
.
.
Because she's a woman!
:lmao: can't... stop... laughing... love... helen... keller... jokes GAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAQuote:
Originally Posted by ZX-12R
but seriously tho, that's not funny ... pffft...
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
This ones hard to do in text...
Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was GOOGTLBREMSHTASMASTH
How would you define blonde wall paint?
A color that's not to bright and spreads easily...
A man is reading a newspaper on a train and tells his blond girlfriend that 6 Brazilian people died in a mudslide. She starts crying hysterically so he asks her if she knew any of the people, she replies "no, but how many people is a brazilian".
Why did the blond think she was Jesus Christ...
she got nailed three times on good friday.
How do you make a blond's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Why was the blond's belly button sore ?
Because her boyfriend was blond too.
Why did the blond have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Why did the blond keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.
Why did the blond stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.
How do you know when a blond's been in your fridge?
Lipstick on the cucumbers!
What do you call four blonds in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin
What did the blond say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
"No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
What did the blond say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Did you hear about the blond coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
What's a blond's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
What is the difference between a blond and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Why is the blond's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.
Ok, I search who is Helen Keller. She's been dead since the 1960's...not sure what the jokes about her are all about. Someone enlightened me...
V, you're kidding, right?Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTwisties
She was deaf, dumb, and blind and learned how to communicate. That's her story in a nutshell.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 97BladeRider
This is me in a nutshell
Help! Help! I'm in a nutshell.
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
They put a plunger in the toilet.
Well, I guess this was part of your history lessons here in the US...never heard about her myself. I did see a movie about a little girl being blind and deaf, and struggling real hard to learn how to communicate. Lifetime channel I think. Movie is about her?Quote:
Originally Posted by 97BladeRider
how about some dead baby jokes?? just as tasteless as helen keller jokes :)
whats worse than 500 dead babies stapled to a tree?
one dead baby stapled to 500 trees
lol not sure that one will be a hit- it takes a certain deranged individual to laugh at those