An open letter to every person I meet that finds out I ride a motorcycle.

[01xj]

Saw this on Hell for Leather and loved it. Figured I would share with those who don't read HFL

Let me stop you right there, mmmm-kay? I can tell by that little intake of breath what’s coming next. Thank you in advance, but I already know that motorcycles are “dangerous.” After nearly twenty years of riding on the streets, I am aware; telling me now will not be a revelation. It is not an insight into my lifestyle that has remained hidden from me until this, the moment of epiphany when you shine the light of outsider wisdom on my foolhardy choices.

Photo: Grant Ray

There are ways I can minimize the risk — by riding defensively, riding sober, knowing my own and my machine’s capabilities, etc. — but I also know there are some risks that are simply beyond my control. But you know what? There a lots of risks that are within my control. We’ve become so pathologically risk-averse that for most people it is inconceivable to assume any additional risk no matter how much joy you might get back in return.

You want to know what’s truly dangerous? Not taking any risks. Hanging out with like-minded middle-of-the-roaders. Absorbing the same brain-ossifying shit from media factories every day. Jogging. Putting helmets, flotation devices, and auto-deploy epi-pens on your kids every time they leave the house. Passivity. Not paying attention to where your car, or your life, or you country is going.

If you don’t get that, that’s OK. I’m not trying to convert anybody, but here are a few tips to save us both a little aggravation:

You don’t need to tell me the horror story about your uncle’s buddy who wiped out his chopper while drag racing at some hooligan rally. That just makes me wish I were talking to your uncle’s buddy instead of you. He sounds pretty cool.

Do not — do NOT — tell me about the time you almost Sausage Creatured a biker because you “couldn’t see him” or he “came out of nowhere.” I have never known a bike to come out of nowhere, but I have seen plenty of cars pull a Crazy Ivan and turn into a lane occupied by a biker or make an impromptu unsignalled left turn in front of an oncoming me. If you’re expecting me to share your outrage at the temerity of bikers to be in the lane you want, you’re more deluded than a goldfish with a passport. I can’t make you see bikes. I can’t make you hang up your phone. They won’t let me mount a .50-caliber machine gun to my bike. So really, there’s not much I can do to change the outcome of your anecdote, so save it for your coreligionists who also have stick-figure families and giant softball stickers with the name “Tailyr” or “Flynn” or “Shyly” on their rear windows.

I do wear a helmet, as a matter of fact, along with other protective gear. But, the fact that you “certainly hope” I wear a helmet is so condescending it makes me want to ride a tricycle completely naked doing doughnuts in your front yard screaming Beastie Boys lyrics at midnight. Trust me, you do not want that. My buttocks are extremely pale and unsightly, especially in moonlight.

Please, do not complain about bikes parking in car parking spaces. Where are we supposed to park? If they let us park up on the curb like in Europe, we would totally do that, and precious few parking lots have motorcycle parking areas. Most cops already have a hard-on for bikes, so parking anywhere but in a designated spot is asking to be impounded.

Yes, I know, some bikes have very loud exhaust. Maybe it’s obnoxious, but at least you knew they were there, didn’t you? They say loud pipes save lives. I don’t know if that’s true, because there hasn’t been a serious comprehensive study of motorcycle safety since 1981, the poetically named Hurt Report. And yes, I know, at one point you probably saw some kid riding his 600cc sport bike at 100mph doing a wheelie down the freeway. He’s a squid, and he’ll either grow up or just take care of himself. Some bikers do crazy things. Anti-social things. Unsanctioned things. I don’t represent him and he doesn’t represent me — that’s the great part of being a biker. I could be a Lowbrow Weirdo or Antoine Predock or Lyle Lovett or just whatever I want to be.

If you’re really so all-fire concerned about my safety, don’t preach at me. Just do me this one favor: pay attention when you’re driving. Keep your greasy fingers off your touch-screen, put down your phone, use your turn signals and lay off the booze before you get on the road with me. You take care of your part and I’ll take care of mine.

But hang-gliding, man, that shit is crazy.

Carter originally set out to write this letter for McSweeney’s, but felt HFL would be a better home.

[Rossco]

Well said, who was the author of this? I thought for a second it might be Wes Siler, but I don't think he's old enough to have been riding street for 20 years

[01xj]

Well said, who was the author of this? I thought for a second it might be Wes Siler, but I don't think he's old enough to have been riding street for 20 years

Just found it, I will include it on the first post.
Carter Edman

[Garandman]

I was walking into a store last week in gear and some old hippie said "You must be hot in all that." I ignored him so he came closer and said "You must be hot under that gear." I looked around and didn't see a Harley - bet there was a pickup with an HD sticker in that parking lot.

[Doc]

I was walking into a store last week in gear and some old hippie said "You must be hot in all that." I ignored him so he came closer and said "You must be hot under that gear." I looked around and didn't see a Harley - bet there was a pickup with an HD sticker in that parking lot.

You were supposed to say "I would rather sweat than bleed".

[eboos]

Com / Sonar: Crazy Ivan!

[DaveZX6r]

My favorite quote;

You don’t need to tell me the horror story about your uncle’s buddy who wiped out his chopper while drag racing at some hooligan rally. That just makes me wish I were talking to your uncle’s buddy instead of you. He sounds pretty cool.

[SRTie4k]

I love it when people find interesting ways to use the term Crazy Ivan.

[golden chicken]

Last month, I was gearing up by my bike when my neighbor walked by with her dog. She said, "Have a nice ride."

You know what? That was the best thing I ever heard. Not, "Ride safe," not, "Shiny side up," not, "Be careful."

There was not one iota of negativity or reference to danger, and yet, she expressed that she cared.

[tsanterre]

Ha! Great read...thx for sharing.

[Rosco61]

Com / Sonar: Crazy Ivan!

Great movie.
A single ping only

[aldend123]

Well written, and really highlights something that has always driven me nuts. Safety-sammy yuppies worried about other people's own safety. GFYS.

[OreoGaborio]

Last month, I was gearing up by my bike when my neighbor walked by with her dog. She said, "Have a nice ride."
You know what? That was the best thing I ever heard. Not, "Ride safe," not, "Shiny side up," not, "Be careful."
There was not one iota of negativity or reference to danger, and yet, she expressed that she cared.

That's cool, I dig.
Though I do say "Safe ride" quite frequently. As much as we're all sick of people preaching safety, etc, it IS a risky activity and we're not invincible.

[Tricky Mike]

That's cool, I dig.
Though I do say "Safe ride" quite frequently. As much as we're all sick of people preaching safety, etc, it IS a risky activity and we're not invincible.

You're just still freaked out because you tried to eat a red oak... THE LONG WAY

[OreoGaborio]

Haha. I dunno WHAT it was, but it was definitely a hard wood.

[golden chicken]

That's cool, I dig.
Though I do say "Safe ride" quite frequently. As much as we're all sick of people preaching safety, etc, it IS a risky activity and we're not invincible.

Honestly it doesn't bother me either way because really what the person means is that they care. I do prefer to focus on the positives, though.

[Dip Dungles]

Hey, Ryan, be careful what you shoot at. Most things in here don't react too well to bullets. Freaking love that movie.

Great movie.
A single ping only

[jtryz]

nice read

[DankDirtyBird]

Great read, and so true.

[jasnmar]

Hey, Ryan, be careful what you shoot at. Most things in here don't react too well to bullets. Freaking love that movie.

I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise rabbits, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck... maybe even a "recreational vehicle." And drive from state to state. Do they let you do that?

[RacerXnh10]

Definitely a good read, and I also enjoyed the quote "That just makes me wish I were talking to your uncle’s buddy instead of you. He sounds pretty cool."

I can't stand the people that tell me I'm crazy, or that I shouldn't ride at night, or how dangerous it is to ride on the highway, or all those miles to work and all the other ignorant shit I hear on a pretty regular basis.

I hate it more when people tell me 'I'm out of my mind wearing all that stuff when its so hot out.' I tell them sweat comes off easier than road rash and they usually don't have much to come back with. Makes me want to toss them across a parking lot at 50 or 60 mph and see how they hold up in shorts and a t.

[KnuckleBallz]

Great letter. Might actually print this and put it on my cubicle wall. Slow these fuckers down...

I have an aquaintance from college that EVERY TIME I see, I get: "you're crazy man. I couldn't do that- I'd kill myself. I'm too crazy. You're crazy". WHAT. At least he knows, I guess.

[nhbubba]

My favorite quote;

You don’t need to tell me the horror story about your uncle’s buddy who wiped out his chopper while drag racing at some hooligan rally. That just makes me wish I were talking to your uncle’s buddy instead of you. He sounds pretty cool.

+1-billion.

A single ping only

One ping only, please!

Might actually print this and put it on my cubicle wall. Slow these fuckers down...

Fantastic idea. I'll have to sanitize it first, of course. No interest in starting an HR shit-storm over this. But yeah, mee too doode.

I also have an acquaintance that used to tell me how half his family died riding. ... He rides now.