Funniest FML posts

[JohnnyV]

After Alex's FML post, I thought this could get interesting. What's the funniest FML post you've seen, or a funny one you've had.

I personally found this one hilarious...

"Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML"

[a13x]

I've always been a fan of this one:

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

[DaSarge]

These are pretty good...

Today, I was on top of my boyfriend having sex and I was looking away doing my thing. When I looked back, my boyfriend had headphones on and was playing air drums. FML

Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

[JohnnyV]

"Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML"

"Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML"

"Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML"

"Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "Be my baby's daddy!" I couldn't get out in time. FML"

[Devil1]

Ooohh shit! "be my baby's daddy!" LOL LOL

[BLACK SQUIRREL]

What does FML Mean?

[ChrisNoF4i]

What does FML Mean?

Fuck My Life, please.

All your life you're just like, I just wanna meet a girl who's gonna fuck me good. And then you do, and you're fucked.

[JohnnyV]

What does FML Mean?

Fuck my life

[lady flyin' low]

I've always been a fan of this one:

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

the twilight saga is friggin amazing

[Honclfibr]

Isn't it just another book/movie/tv series about brooding emo vampires?

[REXXX]

some of these are great haha!

[ssg]

Isn't it just another book/movie/tv series about brooding emo vampires?

No it's true!

[BMFR6]

If you guys could keep this thread updated today, that would be fantastic. can't access FML on this computer

[RyanNicholson]

If you guys could keep this thread updated today, that would be fantastic. can't access FML on this computer

that site is hilarious but its blocked here

[JohnnyV]

"Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML"

[scorp7]

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML

[Boston Chuck]

keep this going. its blocked here too. this is hilarious.

[JohnnyV]

"Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML"
"Today, I needed money to go to the movie. I asked my mom if I could reach in her purse and grab a few bucks. When I opened up her purse her phone started to vibrate. I yelled over to my mom that her phone was ringing. She said the phone was next to her. I looked in the purse. It was a vibrator. FML"

"Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend bought me a Nickelback CD. FML"

"Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML"

"Today, my girlfriend was giving me head whilst I was watching Star Trek. I accidentally called her Spock. FML"

"Today, my boyfriend of 17 months, the first guy to tell me he loves me, the guy I lost my virginity to, the only guy whose parents I've met, told me we should stop 'hooking up' because it's weird that I was telling everyone we were a couple and it was ruining his chances of finding a girlfriend. FML"

"Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML"
"Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML"

"Today I realized that I needed gas, but i wasn't sure if I had enough gas to get to the gas station. I was praying the whole way there that I would make it. I ran out of gas as I was ten feet away from the pump. I just put it in neutral and pushed it there no problem. I thanked god for getting me there... I forgot my wallet..FML"

"Today was my birthday. My wife and three kids didnt seem to notice and didnt say a word to me in the morning. I was very sad and left for work. At work my female coworker remembered and took me out for lunch. She then said she needed to stop at her appartment to change real quick. I went inside and sat on her couch. She then smiled funny and went into her bedroom taking off her sweater. She then came out with my wife and three kids with a huge birthday cake. I was naked. FML"

"Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML"

[DuncanMoto]

"Today was my birthday. My wife and three kids didnt seem to notice and didnt say a word to me in the morning. I was very sad and left for work. At work my female coworker remembered and took me out for lunch. She then said she needed to stop at her appartment to change real quick. I went inside and sat on her couch. She then smiled funny and went into her bedroom taking off her sweater. She then came out with my wife and three kids with a huge birthday cake. I was naked. FML"

[ctbandit]

[DaSarge]

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML

Today, I went to my friends house when his parents were out to smoke weed. 45 minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they'd be home 5 minutes. We sprayed the house with Lysol and Frebreeze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush; it was bug spray and shaving cream. FML

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls." FML

Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML

[schleppy]

This morning I went to put the badges back on my car that I recently spent a couple hours refinishing in black yesterday. As I went to test fit the biggest of the badges I dropped it on the pavement and it got scratched to shit. FML.

[BMFR6]

bump. any new ones out there? i could stand for some comedy today.

[DaSarge]

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

[Ericthejet]

Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML