A message from Santa

[ChrisNoF4i]

This is typically the time of year when all the little boys and girls of the world attempt to correspond with Santa. It's an adorable tradition that masks the fact that children don't trust their parents and already realize they can't count on them for shit. Anyway, this year Santa wants to let all of you know you can save your letters. But he does have a message for all of you and he asked me to share it. Enjoy.

Dear assholes,

I will not be making my annual trip all over the world this year. You people already have way too much shit and you just keep buying more. The last thing you need is for me to bring you some more crap in addition to the goddamn puppy-shaped iPod you just bought for yourself. Add to that the fact that there's just way too many of you people these days and, well, I just can't do it.

Seriously, enough with the procreation. Apparently I should've been handing out condoms as stocking stuffers the last few decades. Ever hear of birth control? Abortion? How about just not doing it? The last thing Santa, and the world, needs are smaller but equally worthless versions of you to take up space and waste my valuable time. You're supposed to have the ability to recognize how your behavior negatively affects the world and correct said behavior. How are you going to advance if you can't even outsmart your genitals? God... you're a bunch of fucking chimps.

I'm getting off-topic. Another reason I won't be paying you a visit is because all your little "miracles" are fat loads of crap these days. At least Santa earned this belly with centuries of public service. Your pudgy little porkers have no right to be obese just because mommy decided to make Dora the Explorer and Leapfrog software their babysitter. And stop leaving me milk and cookies. You like hypertension so much, you eat those Oreos, tubby. Jesus Christ - You want the doctor to take Santa's other foot?

But all of that is just me attempting to justify the fact that I simply don't want your fucking letters anymore. For one thing, who still writes letters? I've had email for a good ten years now. In that time you idiots have wasted enough paper writing letters to papier-mâché the fucking moon. And your kids' letters aren't as cute as you assholes seem to think they are. 'Oh look. Tyler wrote the "R" in skateboard backward; isn't a lack of education adorable?'

While I'm on the subject, it’s bad enough you send letters, but you could at least keep your letters short and sweet. Your name and list of desired gifts will more than suffice. I don't need to hear that you've been a good boy. I could really give a shit. You can shoot up your school and throw your little sister down a well for all I care. You'll still get your Nintendo Wii because none of it really matters.

Speaking of my standards, I also really couldn't care less what religion your kid is, despite what you Jesus freaks believe. I give gifts to all children. You think I give a shit which fictional character you forced your kids to believe in? 99% of adults don't understand the bullshit they believe. I don't expect a 5-year-old to wrap his head around thousands of years of theology or the creation of the universe by an unseeable being.

Kids will believe we live in a giant donkey stomach and our Lord is a monster with an afro made of dildos and a body made of s'mores if you drill that shit into their heads early enough. Children of the world: You are all equally deserving of the finest toys Asian kids can make. Just don't blame me if your Jew parents take it away and replace it with a top made of potatoes or a wooden pancake.

Lastly, please don't ask for anything I can't carry in my sack. You want me to get your parents back together? Why don't you ask your mom to drop fifty pounds? You want me to help your sick grandma get better? Take it up with the guy who gave her cancer. You know, the prick you pray to every night.
Well, it's time for me to get back to abusing elves. But before I go, allow me to share with you the one item on Santa's list: I would like for all of the children of the world to watch from the corner of their living rooms, as their mothers choke on my cock and their fathers lick my jolly ol' asshole.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a fuck off.

Sincerely drunk,

Santa

[highsider]

I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh.

[obsolete]

Outstanding. He may have wrote this after my letter to him.

Dear Santa,

I'm writing this to notify you that I have been naughty all year long and loved it you fat judgmental fuck.

Sincerely,

Alex

[jennbunnie]

i love it!

[Qfactor]

Santa, you are a douche!

Q

[Omahastylin16]

[KillBill]

I believed in Santa till I was old enough to drive...........


it was a real let-down

[jwm2k3]

I got this in an email just the other day....written by a small child after Christmas.




Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that Im writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certian things that have occured since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my wish list letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole school year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. Im not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that youve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadnt fucked me enough, you gave that little queer across the street so many toys that he cant even walk into his house. Dont let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I will fuck you up. I will throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you will have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didnt get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you will see how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny