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It's back to school time. You may be too old for school, but I suggest you go back anyway. Where else can you get $1 lunch and see hundreds of hot girls who are that cute version of depressed that wasn't brought on by real life or relationships? Hooray for child depositories!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was recently sworn in for his second term. He vows he won't become a lame goat president. He pledges to undertake sweeping reform, including more resentment for the West, more Allah in the health care plan, and more ignoring information gathered during the last 2000 years. Sweet democracy.
Last week President Obama awarded the Medal of Freedom, our highest civilian honor, to 16 people, including Ted Kennedy, Sidney Poitier and Stephen Hawking. That was cool of Obama. Those guys really needed a pick-me-up after being shut out at the Teen Choice Awards.
In sports news, Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship. I don't know if he won the trophy; I meant he won by being a billionaire with a wife so hot she'll make your cock sing, and not some 45-year-old white douche whose wife is a non-famous version of Meredith Vieira.
In entertainment news, Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. Bombshell. This is like when some other thing I don't care about happened. Anyway, here's hoping Paula lands on her feet. Or hopefully her back, right before passing out and choking on her own vomit.
After a 20-year absence, Peewee Herman is returning for a new stage show. I don't know... Trying to cash in on something that was popular with kids two decades ago? Good luck with that. Now I'm off to watch Transformers 2 and GI Joe. (Holding up eight fingers) My brain is this many!
The new school year is nearly upon us. And while for me this means far less time spent trolling at Hot Topic during the day, for many of you it means boning up on your studies or seeing how long you can conceal your summertime pregnancy. Short of suggesting abortion or suicide, I can't help you with the latter, but where the former is concerned, I'd like to present you with this practice exam to help prepare you for the year ahead. So get your hands off your genitals, turn off your new-fangled music boxes and prepare to sharpen your brain bones. Open your tests... NOW!
English - Identify the gerunds in the following paragraph.
Who fucking cares what a gerund is? Going the way we are, in ten years America will be so bleak and desolate that Mad Max will seem like a hopeful image of the future. When roving maniacs have a gun to my son's head so I'll hand over my water and canned goods, I won't care where I'm shitting, much less what a goddamn gerund is. (Hint: There are four.)
Social Studies - Who discovered America?
(Note: If you answer anything other than "Christopher Columbus" you're a huge douche. We get it, you damn hippie: The white man is responsible for all the problems in the world and we should all smoke pot, drink chai tea and eat organically grown blueberries in a field. Save it for the other fags in your "Unwashed Tools" club.)
Math - Solve the following word problem.
Your mom boards a train in Chicago. The train is headed for Atlanta at a speed of 80 m.p.h. Factoring in her average rate of 5 per hour, how many cocks will your mom suck on this trip?
Physical Education - Do the following exercises.
10 push-ups, 10 chin-ups, 20 sit-ups, 5 laps around- Oh, who am I kidding? Have you seen the average teenager lately? If reading this isn't causing heavy breathing you pass.
Science - In the following group of statements, circle the factual statements.
A) Man evolved from lesser life forms over a period of billions of years.
B) If you remove a rib and toss it on the ground, it becomes a woman.
C) Even without artificial insemination, women who don't have sex can have babies.
D) Parting a massive body of water with a stick is impossible.
E) Giants are real and can easily be killed by small rocks.
(Note: These questions were taken from a schoolbook in Alabama.)
Driver's Ed - It is acceptable to do which of the following while driving:
A) Eat fast food.
B) Talk or text on your cell phone.
C) Give or receive a blowjob.
D) Blast your shitty hip-hop at ground-shaking volume. Seriously, what is with that? It's like they don't care about anyone but themselves. "I can hear this at a much lower volume, but I'm gonna play it like this so you can just deal with it, fuckin' punk ass biatch!" I mean, I've never been disturbed by a drunk driver or a person texting while driving. I suppose they can cause accidents, but frankly, I'd prefer one accident per month to hearing some asshole yell about booty over some obnoxious beat 20 times on a simple trip to post office. WHAT THE FU- I mean, circle all that apply.
Spanish - Translate the following common English phrases to Spanish while English is still an existing language from which we can translate.
"They're stealing our jobs!" "Learn the language!" "Why should I have to press one!!!" "How much would my groceries cost? I guess they can stay."
Shop Class - Using 10 ounces of clay, 12 inches of copper pipe and a 2x4, make anything, ANYTHING, other than a bong.
No bongs! You kids may not like me, but you will respect me! Oh, sure, you'll sit still and pay attention for Mrs. Parkhurst in Geometry just because that needy bitch shoves her fake tits in your teenage faces, but not for Mr. Garson. "Let's laugh at the loser trying to teach us a trade. Ha ha ha!" You won't be laughing when you're 35 and the birds in your backyard don't have a place to roost! You can all bite my dick!
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Originally Posted by ChrisNoF4i
