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TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you.. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create
a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
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