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[eboos]

This is a creative writing assignment that I did for my English class. It was to describe a moment in one paragraph.

To the attendant, I show my armband; allowing me entrance to the racetrack infield. The tunnel I pass through welcomes me like an old friend. Much like the first race weekend every year, it is cold, like spring has yet to come. The minty toothpaste that I can still taste from 2 hours ago is amplified by the cool dry air. The paddock is completely absent of life, and yet everyone has already arrived. Tents pockmark the infield landscape with their occupants soundly asleep. In the garages, the bikes lay silent like sleepy metal horses resting in their stables. Vividly colored, and freshly painted, it seems like a shame that objects so beautiful are about to be put through such abuse. As I walk through the garage, the sweet and pungent scent of fresh tires and gasoline hits me like an aphrodisiac. The complete calm on raceday morning gives no hint to what is to come; and although I left my bed over 100 miles away, I feel like I am home.

[ilikenapalm]

Cool write up...

Could use a more active tone, though... and try not to just say "completely absent of life" and stuff like that, try to actually describe the desolate paddock. Instead of "vividly colored" it might be better to be like, yo these colors be bangin son... and then describe the vibrant greens and blues and yellows, like a freshly blooming flowerbed.

[DoubleRGirl]

good imagery, a little wordy. i made some suggestions below

To the attendant, I show my armband; granting me entrance to the racetrack infield. The tunnel welcomes me like an old friend. Like the first race weekend every year, it is cold, like spring has yet to come. The mint from my brushing two hours ago is intensified by the cool morning air. The paddock seems lifeless although everyone has arrived. Tents pockmark the infield landscape with their occupants soundly asleep. In the garages, the bikes lay silent like sleepy metal horses resting in their stables. Vividly colored, and freshly painted, these gleaming machines crave abuse. As I walk through the garage, the sweet and pungent scent of fresh tires and race gas is like an aphrodisiac. The anxious calm on raceday morning only masks what is to come; and although I left my bed over 100 miles away, I feel like I am home.

[eboos]

I'm much better at research and argumentative writing.

[ninjachica250]

Great foundation! I wouldn't make too many changes, you dont want to "over do it"

[dontpanic]

Change nothing. It's yours.